Rejection is a Beast

Rejection is a hard pill to swallow. Have you ever been rejected by someone? How did you handle it? Did you shrug it off and walk away with your head held high, or did you crumble into a million pieces and ask the only question you can, "WHY" a million times over? 

This is how I decipher rejection...

It hits you in the gut like a 100-pound ball of steel. It knocks the air out of you...it is numbing. It makes you question everything you thought was going right. It makes a person have a complex. It causes one not to trust others. It steals the very life right out of your being...

Rejection stings. Yet this sting does not just go away with a snap of a finger. It lingers. It creates confusion in one's mind. It creates hurt in the heart and it takes away what little joy a person may have had. 

Tonight, I had an encounter. It was not one I was anticipating, just kind of happened by accident. I made a comment, the look I witnessed was priceless...the moment was awkward., the feeling I felt afterwards was hard to swallow. My eyes filled up with tears, I felt lost. I felt defeated. I felt all the 1000's of questions I have had for so many years begin to swirl around my head again with all the question marks. Who am I? Rejection...

Growing up with all the questions of why with no answers was a lonely road to travel. Learning how to walk forward in life with confidence took work. It did not come easy...I built up walls, I built up a safety net around me so I would 'not' feel anything. This lasted for years...more than I care to admit honestly. 

A few years back, almost eight to be exact, my oldest daughter walked out of my life with no explanation. Rejection...all the feelings of 'why' all over again. No communication. No reasons. 

Tonight's reaction is not about my oldest daughter, but my entire family overall. Even the ones I never knew... The hurts they have caused and the rejection that continues to plague my heart are relentless all the way from the top, down...I have always heard if one wants to change, it has to start at the top. Well, at the top / both have passed, so how does this change the course of my life? 

I try to communicate with my grandchildren...nothing but excuses or complete silence on the other end. Why? because of all the lies that have been spoken about me.  One day, this too will all be revealed...and time will have been lost and too late. 

The events of tonight opened so many emotions for me...so I ask myself the 'why'? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with this situation? The tears have flowed for the last several minutes and I cannot explain the whys other than, I have lived through so many hurts in life from the day I was conceived, and yet, I'm 'not' supposed to have a reason to feel the way I feel inside of my heart, inside of my mind, inside of my being. 

I need to shake this feeling. This reaction to a situation that is completely out of my grasp. But how...become cold and shut off again from all of mankind? Build up the walls to protect my heart again? Shrug people off, not have a feeling to anything or anyone? Become cold as ice as my mom used to tell me...it is ironic, to say the least of all people, she told me I had a heart of ice. WOW!!!! More rejection, more lies, more abandonment...it never stops! Even after they are gone...MAKE IT STOP!, but how? 

For the last hour and a half, I have been racking my brain trying to figure out 'why' I have had the reaction I have had tonight. I cannot put my finger on it...I cannot shake this feeling. It has cut deep, like the knife in the back all over again...by a total stranger. WOW - - 

I  need to process this deeply, quietly, and alone...I need to figure this out and fast! I need to write. I need to journal. I need to craft. I need to be still. I need to run...oh wait, I cannot run. My back is up against a wall - -I need to flee. But I cannot do that either. I just need to breathe. Long, slow, deep breaths. Calm my spirit...but how? Why? WHY am I feeling like this, tell me, WHY??? Because I AM BIGGER than that! I have a choice. 

Pandora is on. The station has changed...and yet, the tears still flow. 

Rejection creates pain...

I take a glimpse of my arms...I see the scars from days of yesterday. The ones that rejected me long before tonight. The pain, the heartache, the lies, the betrayal, the hurts, the anger, and the rage. I wanted to feel what I no longer felt. I wanted the pain I relinquished on myself to release the inner pain that had been bestowed upon me so many times by so many people. Those scars are a constant reminder of where I have been and where I am today...LIVING! BREATHING...Just being.  

Rejection steals...

the joy, the peace, the happiness, the place of solace, the place of forgiveness. Instead, it creates so much chaos and confusion. It places doubts in one's mind. It creates turmoil...whether we like it or not. 

Rejection...no wonder people choose to walk away from the hurts. That is what  I did back in the day...but when rejection becomes a mountain in front of your path, how does one climb above it?

I am mentally and emotionally exhausted by all of the rejection I have lived through during my fifty-eight years on this earth. Yet, I continue to breathe...but how?  It would be so much easier to give up, wave the white flag, throw in the towel, bury one's head in the sand, walk away yet again...BUT I cannot. I have felt rejection from everyone in my immediate family circle in one way or the other...and yet, I rise above.

I continue to lean on God's strength and understanding. Expecting that one day, all will reveal itself and those who do not believe - -will learn the truth, but by then, I can assure you it will be too late as my last breath would have already been taken...

Rejection is a BEAST...it kills. 

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