Letter to Mom is Bittersweet - day 10 UBC Challenge

Dear Mom, 

I began working on this gift back before I moved to the Austin area from Lewisville. It was going to be your Christmas present for 2013...instead, I am sending it to you for Mother's Day 2014. 

Here on the pages of the book I created, I have shared a little bit of your life along with the memories - both good and maybe some bad, I really don't know...only you will know. 

It's day 10 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Earlier today, I was able to set time aside to begin the purging process of my lateral filing cabinet. This is something I do at the beginning of the new year. Yes, I'm a few weeks behind...but I was able to get it done today. Thank goodness! 

My crafting room thanks me too! Between this tub out and that tub out while I work on the current Junk Journal, it looks like the Tasmanian Devil has whirled through here. At least now, I can see the floor, my desktop, and the desk behind me. That's always a good feeling! Especially for a crafter. Can any of you relate? 

I knew that recycle day was soon approaching so I wanted to get this done sooner than later. As I went through each file folder, pulling this and pulling that, making a new folder for this and a new one for that - I ran across a letter I had written my mom on May 7, 2014. 

I glanced at the letter atop of many other file folders that I had already cleaned out. Many of the folders remained the same, only lighter after today. I read through the first page...set it aside and continued working on my folders. 

Picking the letter back up after a little bit, I began reading the next page...

I spent many, many hours in the back while living in Lewisville, you would always question why I always went to the back after work. Here I was working on a Christmas gift for you but couldn't say what it was I was doing...I wanted it to be a surprise. Mom, you never understood why I wanted to be in my own space in the wee hours of the night, but after you see your gift, you will understand. 

one of the layouts I had made for mom's gift

I hope you enjoy looking through the different pages I have created as much as I had looking for just the right pictures. I put some serious pictures as well as some quirky ones, I hope you get a laugh out of them, and maybe for a moment, you can step back in time when you were happy and at peace. I found myself chucking a time or two, too and I'm sure you might even shed a tear, as I did. 

Mom, I have always had a lot of questions without any answers and I thought one day, I might find them...it's evident to me now, that day will never come and the one person who holds them, is YOU. 

Setting the letter to the side once again, I finished up the filing cabinet and started cleaning off the other desk. I have two desks in my crafting room. The one I use and then the one that sets behind me with other things on it. Glue Books, Journals, cardstock, paper stock, a catch-all, etc. 

I stopped. I turned around, picked up the letter again, and read it completely. 

Mom, you know firsthand I am a fighter. I don't give up easily...this has been a true test for me as my first reaction was to say, to hell with it all and go about my merry way, but I can't do that. (I was battling Stage 4 Thyroid Cancer) I am resilient! I don't give up easily and if I have breath, there will be HOPE in my life to beat this thing called cancer.

Mom, I love you. I don't have the energy level in my body to deal with the family dynamics of chaos and negativity any longer. I need understanding and support for me just as much as the next person in our family. I've never been one to hold grudges and I'm not going to start now. I have so many questions without any answers but continue to choose to move forward. I have forgiven and I have moved on more times than anyone in this family and no one understands that. I'm continually being judged for things I've done many, many, many years ago by those who look me in the eyes and say, 'I love you'. I've had so many losses from people who live and breathe because they hold onto the past. They judge and they hold onto the words from others above anything I have said to set the record straight. Yet, I am always the one in the wrong...

Mom, I never understood why you said, "you felt your purpose in life was taken from you". I'm sorry you have scars in your heart and on your mind from emotional and mental pain that has been inflicted on you over and over and over. I'm sorry for the role I played in that hurt and pain. People don't deserve to be treated poorly. Mom, you ARE a wonderful human being...you have a lot of love, compassion, and a giving heart. I love you, mom...

Please accept this book as your Mother's Day present 2014 and know that I love you VERY much. I miss you. I miss seeing you. I miss your soft hands and your long-drawn-out hugs. I have those memories tucked away deep into my heart and my mind and will never lose sight of any of them.

My mom had just had emergency surgery to repair a ruptured colon. I was driving back and forth from the Austin area to DFW (Dallas/Ft Worth) to see her and check on her health care every weekend. She was in the hospital for thirty days, then in a rehab facility for another 30 days. This was in the latter part of September 2013.

In June of 2013, I relocated to the Round Rock, Texas area for a new position in the Mental Health Field. I had previously been working at one of the 9 State Hospitals in Texas for Behavioral Health. The new position I accepted opened up as a result of the company receiving a new grant to extend their mental health services.  At the time of my relocation, my family didn't move with me as I moved first to start my job, find a place to live, and get settled. Then they were going to join me. Within three months of moving (by myself), I learned I had cancer. Instead of returning to Lewisville, we decided my family would join me as soon as possible. Mom didn't want to move to the RR area, so we moved her back to Amarillo with my sister. This was December 2013. 

Per the doctor's advice, as sick as my mom was - they advised me 'not' to tell her about my cancer. For me, the cancer was fast and furious...and time was of the essence. My youngest daughter and I were traveling back and forth to MD Anderson, Houston, TX for treatment. I refrained to tell mom what was going on with me...looking back at that decision, I can see it was a huge mistake not telling her what was going on with me.  Mom didn't understand why she was moving back to Amarillo without seeing me. She couldn't even talk to me during this time, I was that sick. 

Unspoken words. Spoken words. Hearts were torn apart...things were said to my mom that I'll never understand to this day. Words that drove walls of resentment up between the both of us. Anguish, hurt, with no understanding. There were no words to make either one of us understand the events of the recent months in 2013. 

I was focused on my health and getting the treatment I needed. Mom never knew anything was wrong. We were protecting her because she was frail. She was feeble. She was dealing with a difficult recovery in her life too from the ruptured colon. We thought we were going to lose her a few times, but she was tough and pulled through. It was during this time, my sister and I learned that she had lost a baby. Neither one of us knew...

My mom and I were never close growing up. So much of my life's story, I don't understand. My mom saw me right after I was born, then again in November '62. Then she was gone again...her mom and stepfather raised me until they died in the 70's. Mom was gone for many years in the beginning...then again when I was in the 4th grade. I didn't see mom after that until they removed me from class in the 7th grade. It was then when I began hating her with a passion. 

me and mom, Nov. 1962

I continued reading the letter I had written that day in 2014 with tears streaming down my face...

Mom, please accept this book as your Mother's Day present 2014 and know that I love you VERY much. I miss you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. You ARE and will ALWAYS be forever in my heart and forever on my mind. 

                                                                    Happy Mother’s Day!

                                                                    Love, 

                                                                    *****

Continuing to sit at my desk trying to compose my thoughts, I soon realized the words I wrote my mother on that day in May...mean more to me today, than they did then. Mom will be gone for 1 year on the 28th of this month. 

Because of my health in the latter months of 2013 through 2014, it wasn't until early 2015 that I was able to see my mother after relocating to the Round Rock area. My youngest daughter took me to see her in the spring of 2015. We didn't tell my mom we were coming to Amarillo. We surprised her and boy, was she surprised. 

She told me after the shock of seeing me standing there in her doorway, that she thought she would never see me again. That was in 2015...here I am in 2021 and I will never see her again. 

I love you mom, I miss you...so many things left unsaid. So many questions with no answers. So much pain left unresolved.  

How many of you are dealing with unresolved issues today? How many of you have a void in your life because of loss over a loved one because of hurtful words spoken? Have you tried to make amends, ask for forgiveness, or even forgave the others who have hurt you? If not, how come? 

I'm thankful today that mom and I were able to put our differences aside, ask one another for forgiveness, and had what little time we had to shower each other with love and gratitude. I don't hold any anger or resentments towards mom for all the 'stuff' inflicted on my life for so many years when she was there and in her absence. 

Many times, those things were always never spoken of...they were swept under the rug and forgotten. Many of those memories today are still very raw in my mind as I am the one who lived through them. They molded me into the person I am today. They pushed me to be resilient. They drove me to dig deep and fight to be the bigger person. They also taught me humbleness, forgiveness, and gave me a sense of hope. Hope that things would not always be as they were but would be what I turned them into being. Those very same hurts were the catalyst of pushing me forward to grow stronger in my faith. It was faith that got me through the tough times in life. It IS faith that gets me through today...

I placed the letter back in the folder and tucked it away in the filing cabinet. I smiled and looked around my crafting room where I have tender memories of mom all over the place. 

The Angel Doll I gave her shortly after I got married at 17 years old. 

The singing bear that sings, "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack. 

The Thomas Kincaid floral arrangement that I gave her a few years ago. She felt bad, because it got knocked off her dresser and broke, but they glued it back together. 

Her ashes set close to the flower arrangement. Tucked away out of harms way up on the shelf...

In my bedroom, is the shadow box I made with all of the handcrafted things I had made and sent to her over the years. They were all sent back to me after mom's death. She had kept these close to her heart in her room at the Nursing Home. Inside of the shadow box is the Memory Album I made myself for Mothers Day 2020. There is also a Journal I sent mom years ago. She has a few things written inside of it...

I'm thankful today that mom and I were able to move past all the hurts, the pain that was inflicted by both of us at different times in our lives before she passed away. I still wonder at times though, if she ever truly knew just how much I loved her. I will never know...that makes my heart sad. 

Don't allow resentment, anger, or pride to stand in the way of making amends with people you love. We are not promised tomorrow. Don't wait until it's too late. 

 

Heart to Heart Soul Creations

h2hsc2020

Facebook: H2hsc2020 
Twitter: H2hsc2020 
Instagram: Heart to Heart Soul Creations 
Pinterest: Heart to Heart Soul Creations (H2hsc2020)

#Ultimateblogchallenge, #blogboost, #love, #hope, #memoriesofmom, #thinkingoutloud, #forgiveness, #lettersofyesterday, #makingamends

Ten Things of Thankfulness - October 9, 2020

 Today is Ten Things of Thankfulness...where to start? 

 

Number 10 - I am thankful for nature's beauty. The trees, the countryside, the animals grazing in the fields. The feathered birds in the sky. The leaves changing colors in the timber. 

Number 9 - I am thankful for another day of life. Each breath is a blessing from my Heavenly Father above. 

Number 8 - I am thankful for my family. This time last year, I was amid going through a divorce...BUT God! It has not been an easy year since, but we are making progress. Hopefully...

There are too many years invested to toss it away like a piece of trash. (That's how I felt last year...tossed out like a piece of crumpled up trash.) Rebuilding trust with another human being that was shattered by choices made is not an easy feat. Daily, I ask God to heal my hurts and to restore my love for the man I have been married to for nearly 22 years. I also ask God to teach me how to forgive and learn how to trust again...

Number 7 - I am thankful for the rest of my family. Children, grandchildren, siblings, and cousins. I will have the opportunity of meeting several new cousins along our journey to Illinois. We are currently traveling from Texas.  My husband is from there. He and his sister are the only ones left in his immediate family. His younger sister died on his birthday in 2010 from Bone Cancer. It was fast and furious...her suffering was short-lived. For that, we are thankful but losing her was and still is hard at times for the loved ones left behind. Rest in Peace Darlene...

 

Number 6 - I am thankful for my wrinkly hands. For as long as I can remember, I recall my mom saying, 'she didn't want to get old because she didn't want to have wrinkly hands'. As many of you know, we lost mom in February 2020 just before COVID hit.... her cancer had returned. Like my husband's baby sister, mom's recurring cancer was fast, and it was like fire through her body. Only this time, instead of it manifesting in the areas where it was before - it began eating away at her neck and on her face. She did not last long after the doctors told us they recommended radiation or chemotherapy. We decided as a whole, not to have mom go through the agony of those treatments...she was ready to be with dad. 

As I gaze at my hands. They have become withered looking. Wrinkly...a tear falls down my face. I miss you mom and guess what, I have wrinkly hands. They are not soft like yours were. They have the feel of hard years lived. Regardless of how much lotion I use. 

Number 5 - I am thankful for HOPE. Without it, we have nothing. I walk, talk, live, and breathe HOPE daily. 

Number 4 - I am thankful for being able to complete 8 out of my 15 Memory Albums project I am currently working on. Here is a sneak peek of a few pages from the latest one. This one was requested and purchased. 

Number 3 - I am thankful for a good night's sleep. I have not been sleeping well lately and am waiting on the Pulmonologist to determine the 'why's. I am off to bed after I publish this post...

Number 2 - I am thankful for each of you and your kind words when you take the time to read my posts and drop me a comment or two. 

Number 1 - I am thankful for Dyanne. She is the one who invited me to Ten Things of Thankfulness a few months back. I am going to have the opportunity of meeting her face to face when we go through Springfield, MO on Saturday. I am so excited to have this opportunity. Can you tell? 

Now that I have named my ten things I am thankful for this week, have you come up with ten things too? If so, let me hear from you...if not - surely you can find at least one thing you are thankful for. 

Until next week...

Good night.

Heart to Heart Soul Creations
H2hsc2020

Facebook: H2hsc2020

Twitter: H2hsc2020

Instagram: Heart to Heart Soul Creations

Pinterest: Heart to Heart Soul Creations (H2hsc2020)

 

#TToT, #tenthingsofthankfulness, #blogboost, #life, #inspiration, #memories, #memoriesofmom, #thankful, #lovedones, #papercrafting, #memoryalbums, #creativity

 

 

Pistachio Cake

Here it is Sunday morning and I have designated Sunday blogs to In the Kitchen. 

Earlier in the week, my youngest daughter had come over to visit. She and my grandson visit quite a bit. During her visit, she asked me if I had any recipes of my mom’s. I replied, 'yes I do - I inherited her cookbooks and I even have recipes from your Great Granny, my mom's mother". As I was busy in the kitchen, I stopped to see her reaction when I told her I had the cookbooks. She was smiling. I asked her why she asked, and all I got was "I was just wondering". She went on to ask, 'did you have anything special or what was your favorite thing Gammy (as my kids called my mom) cooked? 

I had to ponder that question for a little bit as there were several things mom cooked that I enjoyed eating and that I miss today. There is nothing like mom's homecooked meals...

As I continued washing the dishes or whatever it was I was doing, I answered my daughter's question with mom's Sunday roasts or her fried chicken cooked in the cast iron skillet or better yet, the electric skillet. My daughter said, 'yes - I miss Gammy's roast too, but you make a delicious roast, too mom! 

This morning as I sat down to write this post, I pulled out mom's brittle Betty Crocker Cookbook. Both the front and back covers are off, and the pages are falling out of the book. Several years ago, I planned on making a Junk Journal out of it to preserve the memories. So far, that has not happened and all the pages, recipes, and notes from mom and granny are tucked away safely in an envelope on my shelf. 

Here is a photo of a few things’ mom had tucked away inside...

Mom enjoyed cooking when she could. Later in life, her health was such that it hurt her to stand for long periods in the kitchen. 

I have many fond memories of mom and dad making Christmas candy during the holidays. They would make all sorts of Fudge, Martha Washington's, Peanut Brittle, Divinity, a variety of cookies, and Haystacks. The Haystacks were my favorite candy with Divinity coming in as a close second. I cannot eat either one much these days as sweets and I do not see eye to eye very much. I am glad I did not take up baking as a hobby. That was never my forte' at all...

My daughter loves to bake. A few years ago, we bought her a KitchenAid Mixer with all the different attachments. I am sure one day in the future, she will inherit the Betty Crocker Cookbook as well as all the other ones I have too. I personally do not own a newer version of the Betty Crocker Cookbook. I have wanted to buy one, just never have gotten around to doing so. Maybe I will add one to my Christmas Wish List...

A memory I have of mom anytime she was in the kitchen cooking or baking; the telephone was tied to her ear (figure of speech) and a toothpick was in her mouth. The toothpick has been a long-standing funny within the family from my kids as they too, remember their gammy swishing the toothpick back and forth on multiple occasions. 

This photo is a great example of mom, the phone, and the toothpick! If you look closely, you can see the Betty Crocker Cookbook sitting up on the ledge between the kitchen and the living room. This was my childhood home in Amarillo, Texas out in Pleasant Valley. The electric skillet I mentioned is also sitting on the cabinet. Laughing out loud...

The recipe I would like to share with you today is one my mom made many times. Although I do not remember eating any of it, she made it regularly when there was a church function happening. Maybe you have baked this cake or even eaten a slice of one. What are your thoughts?  Do you like Pistachios? They are my son in law's favorite nut. Maybe I need to bake him one over the holidays. 

PISTACHIO CAKE

Cake Ingredients: 

White Cake Mix

3/4 c. oil

1 box of Pistachio Pudding mix (small)

1 c. 7-Up

1/2 c. chopped nuts (Pecans and/or Pistachios)

3 eggs

1/2 c. coconut

Mix all the ingredients together and bake at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes. 

Icing:

2 envelopes of Dream Whip (do they even make that anymore?)

1 box Pistachio Pudding (small box)

1 1/2 c. milk

After the cake has come out of the oven, mix, and spread the icing on the cake. 

Sprinkle the top with 1/2 c. chopped pecans and 1/2 c. coconut

Now that I have typed this recipe up, it sounds delicious. I think I am going to add this to one of our holiday meals. Move over Pumpkin Pie, there is a new cake in town...

Slice yourself up a piece and enjoy it!

Heart to Heart Soul Creations
H2hsc2020

Facebook: H2hsc2020
Twitter: H2hsc2020
Instagram: Heart to Heart Soul Creations
Pinterest: Heart to Heart Soul Creations (H2hsc2020)

#Blogboost, #Ultimateblogchallenge, #inthekitchen, #cooking, #baking, #memories, #memoriesofmom, #recipes, #Pistachiocake, #inspiration

In The Kitchen - Fool for Rhubarb Pie by Nana White

Many years ago, my mom told me that she liked Rhubarb Pie. I had no idea what she was talking about until I started researching what it was. I have never eaten Rhubarb Pie. 

CREDIT: Crisco

I began asking mom what it tasted like. She said, 'it is sometimes tart and sometimes tangy' and it is so good while her face lit up. I could see her mouth begin to drool as she described a Rhubarb Pie to me. She also said, 'they would eat the pie with homemade Vanilla Icecream' and that was a treat. 

I never did get mom a Rhubarb Pie and she never made one while I lived at home or even into my adult years. After researching the Rhubarb plant, I was not interested in trying this pie for myself. 

Rhubarb is a vegetable if you did not know that. But when it is cooked, one must add a great deal of sugar for it to get the sugary sweetness one is longing for in each bite of pie they enjoy. 

Rhubarb can be made into jam and served as an accompaniment to roasted meats. 

I asked mom if this plant could be eaten in its original form and she said, 'oh yes - grab a jar of sugar, remove the leaves and chomp down - really just putting the Rhubarb in the sugar and then sucking on the stalk". I asked her why she removed the leaves and she said, 'They can make you extremely sick'. When I researched this plant further, I did read that the small leaves are poisonous and must be removed before ingesting the Rhubarb. 

Did you know that Rhubarb stocks become very toxic and poisonous in late summer? They do. I found that to be quite interesting. It is best to harvest this plant in the Spring and early Summer. I have never even seen a Rhubarb plant - so I do not know what I would be looking for. Do you? Have you ever grown any? 

I do not know about you, but I am not really interested in trying Rhubarb Pie. It does not sound appealing to me at all, but my mom sure did enjoy the ones she ate. I wish now, I would have gotten her a piece of Rhubarb Pie when she lived with us. I would have loved to see her face while she was eating it. I can only imagine what it was like though, because as I am typing this post out - my mouth is watering just thinking about the tart and tangy taste. I guess I could compare this sensation to when I eat a lemon. 

When my husband got his Cookbook out for me a few months ago, I found a recipe that Nana White had shared for Rhubarb Pie.

FOOL FOR RHUBARB PIE

4 egg whites

1tsp. Vanilla

1 tsp. Vinegar

1 c. minus 1 T. sugar, sifted

8 oz. Rhubarb

1 T. butter

1/2 c. sugar

2 c. whipping cream

Heat oven to 225*. Grease or spray a 9-inch pie pan. Beat egg whites until foamy. Add vanilla, vinegar, and 1 tablespoon sugar; beat to blend. Continue to add sugar, a tablespoon at a time, continue beating until all sugar is added and stiff peaks form. Spread the meringue in the pan in a concave fashion, as if it were a pie shell. 

Bake 1 hour, then turn off the oven but leave the pie shell there until the oven is totally cool about 1 more hour. Chop rhubarb into small pieces. Melt butter in a skillet over medium heat. Add rhubarb and 1/2 cup sugar. 

Cook, stirring occasionally until rhubarb is tender and the mixture is falling apart. Crush some of the bigger pieces with a fork to make a smoother mixture. Chill the mixture in the refrigerator. 

When the meringue is completely cooled, beat the whipping cream until still. Fold in the rhubarb mixture. Use this to fill the meringue. 

***

Looking at this recipe, had I known this was in the cookbook my husband had - I might have tried to make my mom one of these Rhubarb Pies. I suppose now, this will be one of those would have, could have moments that will go down in history. 

Do you like Rhubarb Pie? Have you ever made one? Share your memories with me of eating Rhubarb Pie. 

Enjoy! 

Heart to Heart Soul Creations

H2hsc2020

Facebook: H2hsc2020

Twitter: H2hsc2020

Instagram: Heart to Heart Soul Creations

Pinterest: Heart to Heart Soul Creations (H2hsc2020)

#Inthekitchen, #cooking, #baking, #RhubarbPie, #memoriesofmom, #memories, #tastesofhome

day 23 Color of the Day is Teal

Teal is today's prompt in the Color of the Day Challenge hosted by The Mommies Review/Glenda Cates.

Teal is a combination of green and blue or is it blue and green? I suppose that depends on who you pose the question to. As a crafter when I think of Teal - I usually lean more towards the blue tones. But when I go shopping for Teal paper - -I find it is not easy to locate.

When my daughter got married in 2016, her colors were Teal, Purple, Burgundy, and Midnight Blue. The colors were beautiful together. The Reception Hall looked gorgeous with all these colors popping. This is how the tables were decorated. With pops of Teal, Blues, and Purples with the Cream in Vases. They were beautiful.  

Before the wedding, when she was getting all prettied up, we wore Flannel Shirts. They were in various colors coordinating with her color scheme of the wedding. Here is what ours looked like. I wore the Teal and she wore the Blue. 

TTeal is a very pretty color. My mom's wedding dress (her 2nd marriage) was Teal. 

When I went to visit my grandson today, he was even wearing a Teal Onesie...maybe he got the memo that today's Color of the Day was Teal! laughing out loud...

Teal is a pretty color. Looking around my craft room, I see pops of Teal all over the place. Several of my tubs have lids that are Teal. The cover of the last Glue Book I made has Teal all over it. As you can see - both items look blue, but they are really bluish/green. I made this Glue Book for the Self-Love Challenge I participated in. 

Earlier today (as I am finishing up this blog at 9:30 p.m.) my nephew had driven in from Amarillo, Texas for a doctor's appointment. He and his family had stopped by to drop off a few things that were my mom's that my sister had boxed up after mom died. When they left, I did not look in the two boxes immediately as I needed to go over and watch my grandson for a little bit while his mom worked. When I returned home, I sat on the couch and opened the two boxes. Inside of them were many different memories and things I had made mom throughout the years. Among them were these craft items (in Teal). 

As I continued to look through the box of memories, I found a card that I had sent my mom several years ago. It was Teal...

Looking even further, I found many of mom's coloring pages she had colored over the last few years. Funny thing is none of us knew she colored until about 3 years ago. As I looked through the different pages, I found this one...

I found many beautiful things today in Teal. These memories are priceless to me and I will treasure them forever. As you can imagine, the tears began to flow down my face as I looked through both boxes. I laughed at a few things, cried on many others as I held them close to my heart. Mom is here safely with me now...I have her sitting on the Hutch that I inherited from her many, many years ago. In just a few days, it will be four months since she left this earth. There are days I want to reach for the phone just to say hi and realize I cannot. I now have all these precious memories that I will treasure until I take my last breath. In the meantime, I am going to put many of these memories into a shadow box so my children and grandchildren will know who their Gammy was. The rest of the memories will find their way into Journals or Scrapbooks. 

In memory of Mom...

Now that I have shared several different items in Teal, what do you have in the color? Have you ever crafted anything in Teal? Do you have clothes in this color? 

Heart to Heart Soul Creations

H2hsc2020

Facebook: H2hsc2020

Twitter: H2hsc2020

Instagram: Heart to Heart Soul Creations

Pinterest: Heart to Heart Soul Creations (H2hsc2020)

#Coloroftheday, #cotd, #memoriesofmom, #papercrafting, #mixedmedia, #Love, #grief, #happymemories, #family, #lovedones, #teal, @themommiesreview, #crafting, #precioustreasures, #wedding, #storytelling, #alteredart, #art, #crafting, #life, #challenge