Rejection is a Beast

Rejection is a hard pill to swallow. Have you ever been rejected by someone? How did you handle it? Did you shrug it off and walk away with your head held high, or did you crumble into a million pieces and ask the only question you can, "WHY" a million times over? 

This is how I decipher rejection...

It hits you in the gut like a 100-pound ball of steel. It knocks the air out of you...it is numbing. It makes you question everything you thought was going right. It makes a person have a complex. It causes one not to trust others. It steals the very life right out of your being...

Rejection stings. Yet this sting does not just go away with a snap of a finger. It lingers. It creates confusion in one's mind. It creates hurt in the heart and it takes away what little joy a person may have had. 

Tonight, I had an encounter. It was not one I was anticipating, just kind of happened by accident. I made a comment, the look I witnessed was priceless...the moment was awkward., the feeling I felt afterwards was hard to swallow. My eyes filled up with tears, I felt lost. I felt defeated. I felt all the 1000's of questions I have had for so many years begin to swirl around my head again with all the question marks. Who am I? Rejection...

Growing up with all the questions of why with no answers was a lonely road to travel. Learning how to walk forward in life with confidence took work. It did not come easy...I built up walls, I built up a safety net around me so I would 'not' feel anything. This lasted for years...more than I care to admit honestly. 

A few years back, almost eight to be exact, my oldest daughter walked out of my life with no explanation. Rejection...all the feelings of 'why' all over again. No communication. No reasons. 

Tonight's reaction is not about my oldest daughter, but my entire family overall. Even the ones I never knew... The hurts they have caused and the rejection that continues to plague my heart are relentless all the way from the top, down...I have always heard if one wants to change, it has to start at the top. Well, at the top / both have passed, so how does this change the course of my life? 

I try to communicate with my grandchildren...nothing but excuses or complete silence on the other end. Why? because of all the lies that have been spoken about me.  One day, this too will all be revealed...and time will have been lost and too late. 

The events of tonight opened so many emotions for me...so I ask myself the 'why'? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with this situation? The tears have flowed for the last several minutes and I cannot explain the whys other than, I have lived through so many hurts in life from the day I was conceived, and yet, I'm 'not' supposed to have a reason to feel the way I feel inside of my heart, inside of my mind, inside of my being. 

I need to shake this feeling. This reaction to a situation that is completely out of my grasp. But how...become cold and shut off again from all of mankind? Build up the walls to protect my heart again? Shrug people off, not have a feeling to anything or anyone? Become cold as ice as my mom used to tell me...it is ironic, to say the least of all people, she told me I had a heart of ice. WOW!!!! More rejection, more lies, more abandonment...it never stops! Even after they are gone...MAKE IT STOP!, but how? 

For the last hour and a half, I have been racking my brain trying to figure out 'why' I have had the reaction I have had tonight. I cannot put my finger on it...I cannot shake this feeling. It has cut deep, like the knife in the back all over again...by a total stranger. WOW - - 

I  need to process this deeply, quietly, and alone...I need to figure this out and fast! I need to write. I need to journal. I need to craft. I need to be still. I need to run...oh wait, I cannot run. My back is up against a wall - -I need to flee. But I cannot do that either. I just need to breathe. Long, slow, deep breaths. Calm my spirit...but how? Why? WHY am I feeling like this, tell me, WHY??? Because I AM BIGGER than that! I have a choice. 

Pandora is on. The station has changed...and yet, the tears still flow. 

Rejection creates pain...

I take a glimpse of my arms...I see the scars from days of yesterday. The ones that rejected me long before tonight. The pain, the heartache, the lies, the betrayal, the hurts, the anger, and the rage. I wanted to feel what I no longer felt. I wanted the pain I relinquished on myself to release the inner pain that had been bestowed upon me so many times by so many people. Those scars are a constant reminder of where I have been and where I am today...LIVING! BREATHING...Just being.  

Rejection steals...

the joy, the peace, the happiness, the place of solace, the place of forgiveness. Instead, it creates so much chaos and confusion. It places doubts in one's mind. It creates turmoil...whether we like it or not. 

Rejection...no wonder people choose to walk away from the hurts. That is what  I did back in the day...but when rejection becomes a mountain in front of your path, how does one climb above it?

I am mentally and emotionally exhausted by all of the rejection I have lived through during my fifty-eight years on this earth. Yet, I continue to breathe...but how?  It would be so much easier to give up, wave the white flag, throw in the towel, bury one's head in the sand, walk away yet again...BUT I cannot. I have felt rejection from everyone in my immediate family circle in one way or the other...and yet, I rise above.

I continue to lean on God's strength and understanding. Expecting that one day, all will reveal itself and those who do not believe - -will learn the truth, but by then, I can assure you it will be too late as my last breath would have already been taken...

Rejection is a BEAST...it kills. 

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"Grace in the Fire" a Memoir by Margo Williams

Margo Williams, my best friend for the last 6 years recently released her first book called, "Grace in the Fire".

Margo and I met through our circles of working in the Mental Health Field. She was in San Antonio working at the State Hospital and I was working at the State Hospital in Terrell. Little did we know, we would become instant friends on a weekend board meeting trip. That weekend set us both on a journey that has remained with us ever since.

In her memoir, "Grace in the Fire" - Margo shares her personal life story of pursuing a Bachelor's Degree then unexpectantly having "her life turned upside down and dark as night" and given the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder.

Margo is compelled to share her story in order to speak HOPE, empowerment, and encouragement to others who feel they are alone in their mental health struggles.

Margo speaks to her place of darkness and wanting her life to end but soon learned that HOPE was for her and that recovery IS real and it can be achieved.

To read more about Margo's personal journey, order your copy "Grace in the Fire, today at https://amzn.to/2zxQ4ty

You can also follow Margo on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/hopespeaks2youandme

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Disclaimer: In this post are my affiliate links if you click on the links and make a purchase, I will make a small percentage of the items you purchase.

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Wellness Recovery Action Plan

May 6, 2020Mental Health Awareness Month

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. As a Blogger, I was chosen to participate in the Texas Campaign for SOBA Recovery. 

I worked in the mental health field for almost 8 years. I facilitated support groups. I was a trainer for many different conferences. I offered hope to those who did not have any. I am a person with lived experience. 

When I first was diagnosed with Bipolar back in 1996, there were no support groups available. A person had two people they could reach out to, their Psychiatrist and/or their Counselor. 

There was and still is so much stigma around mental health. People are naive to the fact that people do recover. I am here to tell you people can and do as I am the evidence that recovery is possible. 

I was employed at one of the nine State Hospitals in Texas. I was a Certified Peer Support Specialist. I received extensive training to work in this field. As a Certified Peer Specialist, two of the requirements were being a person with lived experience and a person living in recovery. Another requirement was being able to share my story when appropriate. I did not share the war stories of my mental illness, but I did share HOPE. 

Something that was introduced to me when I was going through my own recovery was the Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) - a self-designed prevention and wellness process that anyone can use to get well, stay well and make their life the way they want it to be. It was developed by Mary Ellen Copeland. 

During my employment at the hospital, I worked with individuals who had been admitted to the hospital for various reasons. One of the things I spoke to them about was the WRAP. This was done either by one on one or in a group setting. There are many layers to a person's WRAP plan. A few of the areas we discussed in great detail were Triggers, Daily Maintenance Plan, Action Plans, and the Crisis Plan. 

Recognizing what and how Triggers (arousal of feelings or a memory from a traumatic event. i.e. a sudden loud sound, the popping of a balloon, a certain song, a certain smell) affect a person is vital to their recovery. We have to be able to identify triggers in our life in order to work towards our wellness. 

Once triggers are identified, conversations can be had to discuss how a person's Daily Maintenance Plans (DMP) (a list of things a person needs to do daily to maintain wellness. i.e. taking medications, bathing, eating, etc.) might look. 

After the DMP, Action Plans were created. An Action Plan is (a document listing specific steps to achieve a specific goal. i.e. at 8:00 a.m. on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I will take 3 of my 5 prescriptions. Naming each prescription).  

Once the Triggers, Daily Maintenance and the Action Plan is identified, the last step is to create a person's personal Crisis Plans (a document that outlines what a person is like when they are well, specific people to contact and not contact, describes physical and mental health issues, will list medications that work and don't work, gives others an idea of how to care for a person during a  crisis. i.e. When I am feeling good, I am cheerful, outgoing, and happy. When I am in a crisis, I will be angry, confrontational, and easily aggravated.) 

Subjects like Depression, Bipolar, Schizophrenia, Substance Abuse, and Alcoholism would come up when working with individuals at the hospital. Being able to educate them on mental health recovery and how they too, could move from a place of crisis into recovery was rewarding. 

I'm thankful I was introduced to the Wellness Recovery Action Plan as it was vital in my recovery. Today, I still use my plan. It has been in place since 2005. 

If you are in crisis or feel like you need intervention before a crisis begins, you may reach out to Soba Recovery. They have a simple admission process with addiction specialists on standby 24/7. Here is the direct admissions helpline 866-547-6451 and their website is https://sobarecovery.com

I wish you all the best and know, Recovery IS Possible! 

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Saying "NO!" to Negative Thinking

May 3, 2020

In conjunction with Mental Health Awareness Month, I was chosen to take part in the Texas Campaign for Soba Recovery, I would like to touch on a subject that was quite difficult for me many years ago. Once I learned the two-letter word, NO - I felt empowered over my own negative thoughts. 

Today's topic is, "Saying "NO!" to Negative Thinking" 

Each one of us has been groomed one way or the other by our parents, society, people in power, or life itself. It is quite easy to allow life situations to dictate our outcomes. Not always the case, but more times than not it is...

In my personal life, situations around me dictated who I had become. They dictated how I thought, and how I acted. I did not like it. I did not like myself. I had to get ahold of my life in a fast way before I completely spun out of control. In order for me to accomplish this feat, I had to strip back every layer one by one of the situations that had occurred in my life from as far back as I could remember in order to be set free from the internal negativity and self-doubt that I lived with on a daily basis. All I knew was negative thinking. It was all around me. It consumed me. Twenty-four, seven...

Some of these situations looked like rejection, abandonment, drugs, alcohol, pain, angst, rage, sexual molestation, failed marriages, lost hopes, mental health issues, lost dreams, no self-worth, guilt, failure as a person, hopelessness, no reason to live, and low self-esteem just to name a few. 

At times, people become people of circumstances. We do things from a place of pain and wanting to be accepted one way or the other. Negative thinking is one way we self-sabotage ourselves when all we have heard is, we are not good enough. 

Did you know that negative thinking is often a symptom of depression and bipolar disorder (manic depression)? These illnesses can make it more difficult to see things in a positive way, feel hopeful about the future, or believe your life is worthwhile. Illnesses like depression and bipolar disorder cause Cognitive distortion, which means many of our negative thoughts may not be completely true, and some may not be true at all. These thoughts might be automatic and lead to feelings of sadness or hopelessness before we are aware of them. 

What can we do about negative thinking? We cannot just "think positive" and overcome our mood disorder. But we can learn to spot negative thoughts, see them for what they are, and confront them with more realistic ideas. Let us break this down from us to I. Ask yourself this question: 

What Can I Do?

1. Learn the types of negative thinking. Pay attention to your own thoughts and look for this type of thinking.

2. Find reasons your negative thoughts are not based on reality (rational response).

3. Change your thoughts to something more realistic based on rational responses.

4. Keep track of your thoughts and feelings in a journal calendar.

5. Ask friends for help recognizing negative thoughts.

There are many types of negative thoughts. Some include:

• Thinking things are all good or all bad: My friend did not agree with me... he hates me.

• Coming to general conclusions based on a few examples: I had a bad week at work, so I need to quit.

• Believing you know what other people think and feel about you: People think I am stupid.

• Expecting disaster: I will not get this job because nothing good ever happens to me.

• Believing everything around you are a reaction to or because of you: My spouse is in a bad mood; I must have done something.

• Believing you or those around you should act or feel a certain way: I should be able to get over my fears or people should have more patience.

• Labeling: I am a loser.

Sounds easy enough, right? It is not. These things will not be easy right away. It will take some practice before you are able to spot negative thoughts and form rational responses easily - do not give up even if you are tempted to. 

Learning how to turn negative thoughts into positive ones is not a need, but a tool for survival.  Once we change our mindset, life will begin to turn around. I will not lie to you though...it does take work on your part. It may mean removing certain things, people, and or places from our lives.         

If we want a different result, we must be willing to do things differently. Thinking is no different. In order to begin feeling good about ourselves, we MUST change the way we think daily. Why not start today? 

Whether you are dealing with alcoholism, drug addiction or mental illness, Soba Recovery wants to help you. 

Soba is staffed with 24/7 doctors; nurses and residential techs who look over and care for the clients around the clock. We have an in-house chef and cleaning service that work together and clean the facilities multiple times a day, 7 days a week. 

Soba Recovery would like to spread awareness that they are still here and running - even when it feels like you have nowhere to go fighting your addiction - you do.

Soba Recovery is a safe place (and clean). 

Soba is licensed through the Department of State Health Services (DSHS) and accredited by The Joint Commission on Accreditation Healthcare Organization (JCAHO).

Over the years, Soba Texas has helped hundreds of families, locally and beyond, battle the horrific aftermath of addiction, they have saved hundreds of lives. 

The Soba Recovery mission unites clients with their loved ones and helps them regain the tools they need to continue to live a prosperous and sober life. 

Soba has a very simple admission process with addiction specialists on standby 24/7. Here is the direct admissions helpline 866-547-6451 and their website is https://sobarecovery.com        

    "It's never too late for a new beginning in your life"

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Mental Health Awareness Month

May 2,  2020

Mental Health Awareness Month

May is Mental Health Awareness month. The definition of mental health is a person's condition regarding their psychological and emotional well-being. Mental health includes emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how a person thinks, acts, and feels. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices. Mental health is important at every stage of life, from childhood and adolescence through adulthood. 

I have the opportunity of working on the Texas Campaign alongside Soba Recovery for a few days this month. 

Mental Health Awareness is something I do not take for granted. Being a person who lives (or walks) in recovery with lived experiences, I know all too well the deep, dark abyss where the illness can take a person. I know firsthand what mania looks like during a full-blown Bipolar episode. My last Bipolar episode was in the summer of 2005. It was a very traumatic ordeal and a pain that I do not ever want to live through or experience again.

The events of that summer day will stay with me until I leave this earth. I was humiliated. Demoralized. Treated like an animal and mocked by the very ones who were to protect and keep me safe. It was then, I decided to never again let mental health dictate my life. This traumatic event was the catalyst that changed my life forever. I put myself in counseling. I began attending support groups, learned what my triggers were, how to prevent them from escalating my illness. I worked with a therapist and a psychologist. I had to make some serious life changes and that included removing people who pulled me down mentally and emotionally. 

What does this mean: I did what I had to do to flip the switch. I created an action plan. I learned recovery through and through. I walked, talked, and breathed recovery twenty-four/ seven. I had to take care of me because no one else was going to do.  I had to be willing to put the work in if I wanted to change. 

My work at one of the Texas State Hospitals for nearly 7 years was a very rewarding job. I could relate to people who were at their darkest moments in life. 

I was in a position to offer them HOPE. Why? Because of my own HOPE and RECOVERY. 

Hope and Recovery were offered by treating them like human beings instead of treating them like a number. I listened to their pain. I listened to their stories. 

Many of the tools I learned, I shared. Above all, I listened to them, I heard them. I validated them. I gave them HOPE that people do recover and live a life full of quality. It may look different, but it is possible. I know because I AM the Evidence! 

In 2016, I had to step out of employment due to other major health issues. I was devastated. In denial was more like it...but I survived. Again, I put my recovery tools to work. This time, I had new triggers and action plans that I worked through. Over and over I had to work the steps to keep myself well and out of the hospital. It worked...but I had to do my part because no one else could do it for me. 

In the early part of 2019, I experienced depression for the first time ever.  I do not wish that on my worst enemy...talk about the deep, dark abyss. I did not think I would ever return from it. The days ran together, the tears flowed at a drop of a dime. I had many sleepless nights and many days, where all I wanted to do was sleep. I felt like a zombie. It was horrific. I literally could not function. It was very debilitating, to say the least. My outlook on life was very bleak. I was desolate. I felt as though I did not have anything else to live for. I was hopeless. Again, I sought the help of a Therapist and a Psychiatrist. 

I credit my years of working in the mental health field, and being able to recognize the triggers, and implementing my action plans sooner than later. The Action Plan was part of my  Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) - (a tool developed by Mary Ellen Copeland) helped me get back on track very quickly. I have had a personal WRAP in place since 2005. It is interesting to me though as I sat there across from the Therapist and the Psychiatrist at times, thinking to myself - what am I doing here? I know better, how did I allow myself to go there in my head? Talk about self-reflection. Self-sabotaging. WOW -- I got very angry not at the situation that landed me in the depression but at myself for allowing the circumstance to take me to the dark abyss called depression.  I am thankful that the doctor, therapist, and I was able to get me back on track in a short period. But again, I had to work at my recovery. They were not going to do it for me. Today, I still work my recovery twenty-four/seven. I have to if I want to stay well and be well. 

There are many examples of mental health. Depression, Bipolar, Anxiety & Panic Disorders, Eating Disorders, Schizophrenia, PTSD and, Substance Abuse & Addiction. Now with the Coronavirus pandemic, mental health, alcoholism, and drug abuse are very high on the minds of people. These concerns are very valid. Not only for the doctors, but for the individual themselves, and their friends and family members. Stress, fear, and anxiety of the unknown can set mental health issues in motion very quickly. One day a person can be totally fine and the next day completely consumed by their illness. 

Today, many people are living in fear and worried. Many people are stressed. People have lost their jobs, their livelihood, their peace of mind, and their financial stability. This can create many triggers for a person living with mental illness, alcoholism, and or substance abuse. 

I am glad that I was able to have someone hold my HOPE when I could not hold it for myself. Their strength helped me do what I needed to do to get on the road to recovery. It saved my life, literally. They held me accountable and in turn, I began holding myself accountable. 

I would encourage you if you know someone who has had issues with mental health, alcoholism, and or substance abuse - reach out to them. Listen to the things not being said. Listen to their words. If you spend time with them, watch their body language. There are always red flags that can be picked up if we are listening and looking for them. Be aware. Be mindful of the situations people are experiencing. Do not be judgmental and don't be critical. Listen. Listen. Listen. If the need is there to seek professional help, by all means, make the call. You or your loved ones ARE too important not to make the call. 

You may be thinking to yourself that you do not know the first place to start in order to find help. I would like to direct you to Soba Recovery. 

Soba Recovery would like to spread awareness that they are still here and running - even when it feels like you have nowhere to go fighting your addiction - you do. 

The Soba Recovery facility is a safe place (and very clean). 

Soba Recovery takes their client's livelihood seriously and creates a family for them even when theirs cannot be there. 

Soba Recovery is Licensed through the Department of State Health Services (DSHS) and accredited by The Joint Commission on Accreditation Healthcare Organization (JCAHO).

Soba Recovery opened in August 2013. 

Over the years, Soba Texas has helped hundreds of families, locally and beyond, battle the horrific aftermath of addiction, they have saved hundreds of lives.

Soba's mission unites individuals with their loved ones and helps them regain the tools they need to continue to live a prosperous and sober life. 

Soba is staffed with 24/7 doctors; nurses and residential techs who look over and care for the clients around the clock. 

They have an in-house chef and cleaning service that work together and clean the facilities multiple times a day, 7 days a week. 

Soba Recovery has a very simple admission process with addiction specialists on standby 24/7. Here is the direct admissions helpline 866-547-6451 and their website is https://sobarecovery.com. 

If you would like to research Soba Recovery further, feel free to visit Fox San Antonio. 

In closing, I want to leave you with this poem. 

The Unstoppable YOU

Written by Diane Georgiadi, Canada

Hope for a new tomorrow 

Filled with joy and peace

Filled with knowing

You are so worth it

You are so valuable

And you are so unique

There is no one like you

Rejoice in who you are and

Where you are going

Moving onwards and upwards

To new things, to brighter things

To exciting things

Hope for a new tomorrow...

...This is your journey

It is all you can make it

And more

Take the time for you

Take the time

To find out what you need

Where you want to go

Learn, discover

Unwrap

The New, the exciting

The unstoppable 

You

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Day 20 - Crafting through Recovery

Day 20, January 20, 2020

Wow, look at that date!!!! I haven't seen the topic for today in the Ultimate Blog challenge, so I thought I'd deviate a little and write about one of my passions. CRAFTING! 

I started scrapbooking many years ago as a little girl clipping different words, statements, and phrases out of newspapers and magazines. I didn't have any fancy papers such as Graphic 45, Basic Grey, Paper Studio, or Authentique to name a few and I sure didn't have any of these tools such as a Cricut Die-cutting machine or a Sizzix Big Kick.  All I had was a simple pair of scissors and Elmer's glue. 

I would clip, clip, clip - tear, tear, tear and shred, shred, shred...I was in heaven. I found peace when I was perusing the newspapers or the magazines for that one word, or that one statement I could turn into a collage or add to a photo that I wanted to scrap. I made folders out of two pieces of regular notebook paper stapled together. Mom and dad lived paycheck to paycheck - so asking for anything such as folders or fancy papers (I'm not even sure the fancy papers existed back in the early '70s) just didn't happen. But I was content. 

Fast forward to 2013 - I had recently relocated to the Austin, TX area for my job. I went first, was going to get settled - then the family was going to join me. My mom was living with us at the time. She had since 2009 after dad passed away. Three months after accepting this new position, I began having excruciating pains in my legs. It didn't matter if I was sitting down, standing up, walking or laying down. This pain felt like someone or something was literally chiseling down the middle of my bones. It was relentless. The only thing that would give me a touch of relief was running a tub of bathwater as hot as I could stand and set down in it for a few moments. Well, as we all know - bath or shower water doesn't stay hot very long so this was just a teaser. I hadn't seen a doctor or gone to the emergency room up to this point, I was just trying to manage the pain with Tylenol or Ibuprofen. (I really don't remember which one, honestly). One weekend, my daughter and her boyfriend drove in from DFW to visit and I was in so much pain while they were there - they wouldn't leave until I went to the ER. So, we did...after several X-rays and blood work, the doctor comes in and says, 'the only course of action we can give you is a band-aid - nothing we give you will touch what's going on. You need to get into a doctor sooner than later'. He wrote out the prescription and sent me on my merry way. The kids returned home. 

A few days later, I was setting in the office of a local Primary Care Doctor. The doctor knocks on the door before she entered the room. She enters the room, addresses me as Mrs. Smith and begins to ask me a few questions. She proceeds with examining me - tapping on my back, feeling my neck and throat area. She has me lay down on the examining table, taps on my chest, abdomen, legs, and feet. She asked me to set up. She steps back and crosses her arms and says, "I suspect you might have Thyroid Cancer". You need to have some tests done as soon as possible. I sat there...quietly. I didn't have a response. She reiterated, 'time is of the essence'.  Now mind you, my insurance hadn't kicked in yet from the new job as there was a 90-day waiting period and I was in about 2 months by now. She wanted me to go in for some specific lab work, have a CT Scan and then we'd go from there. Great, no insurance and she wants me to have these tests done is what was going through my mind. I thanked her and left. 

As I drove to my apartment, I was pondering the conversation I had just had with this doctor. Thinking about what she had stated, 'Thyroid Cancer'. I went through this stoplight and that stop light until I ended up at home. I didn't call my family or any friends - what was I going to tell them? Why get them all upset and concerned when I didn't know myself what on earth was going on? So, I just waited. The pain continued and my regimen continued with the excruciating hot water baths, day in and day out...

A few days later, I went ahead and had the lab work - but the other tests I was going to have to wait until my insurance kicked in. I couldn't swing the thousands of dollars the CT scan was going to cost or the other tests she called for. So again, I waited. Later that very same day, my cell phone rang. It was the doctor's office - is this Mrs. Smith? I said, yes, it is - how may I help you? .... silence.... silence...silence.... hello, how may I help you I asked again. The person on the other end of the call said the doctor needs to see you in the office as soon as possible, can you come in? Sure, I'll be there within the hour. I gathered up my purse and my keys and headed towards the doctor's office. When I arrived, the doctor met me at the door - she took me into her office and looked me straight in my eyes and with a very straight forward tone, says to me - 'you MUST go for a biopsy immediately - the lab work came back and in my initial examination, there were several lumps I didn't mention. Don't delay, get the biopsy scheduled and I'll call you when I have the results. Again, I just sat there...quietly. I didn't know how to feel, I didn't know what to say...here I am by myself in Austin, TX after starting a new job (in the same field as I had worked the last 7 years) but now she is telling me I need to act quickly yet again and now with more urgency! I gathered up my belongings and I left. I still didn't make any phone calls to anyone...I turned up the music and I drove. 

Shortly after I moved to the Austin area, I had acquired a few crafting goodies from a local Facebook group. I had a small table set up in the apartment (as most of my things were still with my family back in DFW). I only brought a few of the necessary items to get me through until they joined me later in the year. I had some fancy papers, some new tools I had not had before such as a heat gun, some fancy tape dispenser gun looking thing, some embellishments, and glue. I crafted. I turned the music up loud and I crafted...clipping, tearing, and shredding. As I sat there, I was pondering the events of the last several weeks in my head. It was like a record playing that had a scratch on it...it was stuck on those exact words of, "Thyroid Cancer" over and over and over...I didn't panic. I didn't freak out. I just crafted. The only thing I could think about was cancer - we lost my mother in law to brain cancer 6 months to the day of her diagnosis. We lost my sister-in-law to cancer to bone cancer within 3 months of her back pain. I've lost close family members to cancer and my mother was diagnosed with double breast cancer the day before dad passed away. Now, here I am...and I crafted. Still, I didn't call anyone. I wasn't about to get them all worked up and worried if it was nothing. After all the doctor said, Thyroid Cancer was easy and of all cancers out there, Thyroid Cancer is the one people want. Not that that comforts me or anyone else, in my mind - cancer is cancer regardless!!!! It's horrific. It's costly and it changes lives. 

I hadn't had my biopsy yet; I was trying to hold out until that 1st day of insurance kicking in... finally! I made an appointment with the hospital.  I went in for the biopsy and the doctor indicated at the end of the procedure, that I would be contacted at the end of the week with the results. I left and headed to Austin State Hospital where I was supposed to have been a trainer at the Conference that was going on. I was fashionably late! LOL, I turned off my cell phone, gathered my belongings and went in. They had bumped my training to later in the day so I wouldn't miss it. The day went on without a hitch...until I got in the car to leave. I literally had twenty missed calls from the doctor's office -THE VERY SAME DAY!!! The day I had my biopsy! NOT at the end of the week as the doctor said at the hospital. At that very moment, I knew...I knew what it was that was causing this excruciating pain in my legs. It was cancer! I returned the call and the Nurse said, "the doctor needs to see you as soon as possible". I told her I was in Austin, it was almost 5:00 pm and it would be close to 6 / 6:30 before I could get back to Georgetown. If any of you have ever been in Austin, TX at 5 p.m. rush hour - you know exactly what I am talking about...it's worse than DFW! She said, 'ok the doctor will wait for you'. I drove...I thought...I picked up the phone and dialed. 

I called my husband and began to explain what was going on- I told him I hadn't said anything yet because I didn't want everyone worrying about me that I was ok. We both agreed once I met with the doctor - to learn what was going on we would put a game plan in place. All I could think about at this very moment was I just wanted to crank the music up loud and craft. It was my way to cope with things. Not my first rodeo with life and it wasn't going to be my last. But I continued driving to Georgetown. Sure enough, 6:45 p.m. I arrived at the doctor's office and she is waiting for me at the locked door. Come in Mrs. Smith to my office. She had my file in her hands. She leaned up against the counter with her arms crossed and says - "it is what I suspected, Thyroid Cancer and we need to move fast', do you have insurance in place now"? I replied yes. She walked over, sat beside me and embraced me...she reassured me that of all the cancers out there, Thyroid Cancer is the easiest one to manage. I sat there quietly...

I drove home, cranked up the music and crafted. Reeling with excruciating pain in my legs, I didn't have any other choice but to move forward with more tests, more doctors, and possibly even surgery. I called my husband and we put our game plan together. We didn't discuss the possibility of me returning to the DFW area. He was going to put things in motion to join me in the Austin area...and I crafted. You might be wondering why I crafted when my world had just come to a screeching halt? It was my way of coping with it. I didn't want to freak out, I didn't want to get emotional. I just wanted to say, 'okay - what's next. What do we need to do and let's get it started! I wanted to move forward with a positive attitude because I know stress can play a huge role when dealing with medical issues such as this. I wanted to keep my headspace clear and free from any negative comments or conversations. 

January 2014, I had surgery...life today for me after Thyroid Cancer has been anything but easy as the doctor explained. I now live with debilitating asthma, COPD (never smoked a day in my life), weak muscles, bone, and tendons as a result of an iron infusion during the Thyroid Cancer treatment. I deal with massive bouts of debilitating low energy days that have many times landed me in the back of an ambulance and a few days stay in a local hospital. I have a lingering cough that has been around since 2013 just before I was diagnosed with T.C. and the list goes on. I had to quit working in 2016 just before I had a very traumatic health issue arise from a simple procedure that left me almost dead and in the hospital on life support for 43 days. Yet, I craft...I craft through my recovery. It was the only thing that would keep my mind off the matter at hand. You see, when I craft - I'm thinking about what fancy papers to use, or what embellishments I want to look for or how is that color going to play off this color.

In my crafting supplies today, I have many of those fancy papers I mentioned in the beginning. I have the die-cutting machines. I have so many different embellishments from brads, to ribbons, to lace, to buttons, etc. I craft...I craft for my happiness. I craft as a means of coping with life situations. I craft for joy. I craft to bless others. I craft to make beautiful creations. Did I say I love to craft? Crafting is not an obsession for me...it is a passion that I love. Crafting lets me escape the ins and outs of life in order to take a breather at times. Crafting lets me be me...

Here are a few photos of my current project I'm crafting...a journal. 

Crafting through Recovery of whatever life throws at me has been a lifesaver from my childhood years and it all started out by clipping out words from a newspaper.

P.S. I still clip, tear and shred! LOL

Have a GREAT day!

Heart to Heart Soul Creations
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