Letter to Mom is Bittersweet - day 10 UBC Challenge

Dear Mom, 

I began working on this gift back before I moved to the Austin area from Lewisville. It was going to be your Christmas present for 2013...instead, I am sending it to you for Mother's Day 2014. 

Here on the pages of the book I created, I have shared a little bit of your life along with the memories - both good and maybe some bad, I really don't know...only you will know. 

It's day 10 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Earlier today, I was able to set time aside to begin the purging process of my lateral filing cabinet. This is something I do at the beginning of the new year. Yes, I'm a few weeks behind...but I was able to get it done today. Thank goodness! 

My crafting room thanks me too! Between this tub out and that tub out while I work on the current Junk Journal, it looks like the Tasmanian Devil has whirled through here. At least now, I can see the floor, my desktop, and the desk behind me. That's always a good feeling! Especially for a crafter. Can any of you relate? 

I knew that recycle day was soon approaching so I wanted to get this done sooner than later. As I went through each file folder, pulling this and pulling that, making a new folder for this and a new one for that - I ran across a letter I had written my mom on May 7, 2014. 

I glanced at the letter atop of many other file folders that I had already cleaned out. Many of the folders remained the same, only lighter after today. I read through the first page...set it aside and continued working on my folders. 

Picking the letter back up after a little bit, I began reading the next page...

I spent many, many hours in the back while living in Lewisville, you would always question why I always went to the back after work. Here I was working on a Christmas gift for you but couldn't say what it was I was doing...I wanted it to be a surprise. Mom, you never understood why I wanted to be in my own space in the wee hours of the night, but after you see your gift, you will understand. 

one of the layouts I had made for mom's gift

I hope you enjoy looking through the different pages I have created as much as I had looking for just the right pictures. I put some serious pictures as well as some quirky ones, I hope you get a laugh out of them, and maybe for a moment, you can step back in time when you were happy and at peace. I found myself chucking a time or two, too and I'm sure you might even shed a tear, as I did. 

Mom, I have always had a lot of questions without any answers and I thought one day, I might find them...it's evident to me now, that day will never come and the one person who holds them, is YOU. 

Setting the letter to the side once again, I finished up the filing cabinet and started cleaning off the other desk. I have two desks in my crafting room. The one I use and then the one that sets behind me with other things on it. Glue Books, Journals, cardstock, paper stock, a catch-all, etc. 

I stopped. I turned around, picked up the letter again, and read it completely. 

Mom, you know firsthand I am a fighter. I don't give up easily...this has been a true test for me as my first reaction was to say, to hell with it all and go about my merry way, but I can't do that. (I was battling Stage 4 Thyroid Cancer) I am resilient! I don't give up easily and if I have breath, there will be HOPE in my life to beat this thing called cancer.

Mom, I love you. I don't have the energy level in my body to deal with the family dynamics of chaos and negativity any longer. I need understanding and support for me just as much as the next person in our family. I've never been one to hold grudges and I'm not going to start now. I have so many questions without any answers but continue to choose to move forward. I have forgiven and I have moved on more times than anyone in this family and no one understands that. I'm continually being judged for things I've done many, many, many years ago by those who look me in the eyes and say, 'I love you'. I've had so many losses from people who live and breathe because they hold onto the past. They judge and they hold onto the words from others above anything I have said to set the record straight. Yet, I am always the one in the wrong...

Mom, I never understood why you said, "you felt your purpose in life was taken from you". I'm sorry you have scars in your heart and on your mind from emotional and mental pain that has been inflicted on you over and over and over. I'm sorry for the role I played in that hurt and pain. People don't deserve to be treated poorly. Mom, you ARE a wonderful human being...you have a lot of love, compassion, and a giving heart. I love you, mom...

Please accept this book as your Mother's Day present 2014 and know that I love you VERY much. I miss you. I miss seeing you. I miss your soft hands and your long-drawn-out hugs. I have those memories tucked away deep into my heart and my mind and will never lose sight of any of them.

My mom had just had emergency surgery to repair a ruptured colon. I was driving back and forth from the Austin area to DFW (Dallas/Ft Worth) to see her and check on her health care every weekend. She was in the hospital for thirty days, then in a rehab facility for another 30 days. This was in the latter part of September 2013.

In June of 2013, I relocated to the Round Rock, Texas area for a new position in the Mental Health Field. I had previously been working at one of the 9 State Hospitals in Texas for Behavioral Health. The new position I accepted opened up as a result of the company receiving a new grant to extend their mental health services.  At the time of my relocation, my family didn't move with me as I moved first to start my job, find a place to live, and get settled. Then they were going to join me. Within three months of moving (by myself), I learned I had cancer. Instead of returning to Lewisville, we decided my family would join me as soon as possible. Mom didn't want to move to the RR area, so we moved her back to Amarillo with my sister. This was December 2013. 

Per the doctor's advice, as sick as my mom was - they advised me 'not' to tell her about my cancer. For me, the cancer was fast and furious...and time was of the essence. My youngest daughter and I were traveling back and forth to MD Anderson, Houston, TX for treatment. I refrained to tell mom what was going on with me...looking back at that decision, I can see it was a huge mistake not telling her what was going on with me.  Mom didn't understand why she was moving back to Amarillo without seeing me. She couldn't even talk to me during this time, I was that sick. 

Unspoken words. Spoken words. Hearts were torn apart...things were said to my mom that I'll never understand to this day. Words that drove walls of resentment up between the both of us. Anguish, hurt, with no understanding. There were no words to make either one of us understand the events of the recent months in 2013. 

I was focused on my health and getting the treatment I needed. Mom never knew anything was wrong. We were protecting her because she was frail. She was feeble. She was dealing with a difficult recovery in her life too from the ruptured colon. We thought we were going to lose her a few times, but she was tough and pulled through. It was during this time, my sister and I learned that she had lost a baby. Neither one of us knew...

My mom and I were never close growing up. So much of my life's story, I don't understand. My mom saw me right after I was born, then again in November '62. Then she was gone again...her mom and stepfather raised me until they died in the 70's. Mom was gone for many years in the beginning...then again when I was in the 4th grade. I didn't see mom after that until they removed me from class in the 7th grade. It was then when I began hating her with a passion. 

me and mom, Nov. 1962

I continued reading the letter I had written that day in 2014 with tears streaming down my face...

Mom, please accept this book as your Mother's Day present 2014 and know that I love you VERY much. I miss you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. You ARE and will ALWAYS be forever in my heart and forever on my mind. 

                                                                    Happy Mother’s Day!

                                                                    Love, 

                                                                    *****

Continuing to sit at my desk trying to compose my thoughts, I soon realized the words I wrote my mother on that day in May...mean more to me today, than they did then. Mom will be gone for 1 year on the 28th of this month. 

Because of my health in the latter months of 2013 through 2014, it wasn't until early 2015 that I was able to see my mother after relocating to the Round Rock area. My youngest daughter took me to see her in the spring of 2015. We didn't tell my mom we were coming to Amarillo. We surprised her and boy, was she surprised. 

She told me after the shock of seeing me standing there in her doorway, that she thought she would never see me again. That was in 2015...here I am in 2021 and I will never see her again. 

I love you mom, I miss you...so many things left unsaid. So many questions with no answers. So much pain left unresolved.  

How many of you are dealing with unresolved issues today? How many of you have a void in your life because of loss over a loved one because of hurtful words spoken? Have you tried to make amends, ask for forgiveness, or even forgave the others who have hurt you? If not, how come? 

I'm thankful today that mom and I were able to put our differences aside, ask one another for forgiveness, and had what little time we had to shower each other with love and gratitude. I don't hold any anger or resentments towards mom for all the 'stuff' inflicted on my life for so many years when she was there and in her absence. 

Many times, those things were always never spoken of...they were swept under the rug and forgotten. Many of those memories today are still very raw in my mind as I am the one who lived through them. They molded me into the person I am today. They pushed me to be resilient. They drove me to dig deep and fight to be the bigger person. They also taught me humbleness, forgiveness, and gave me a sense of hope. Hope that things would not always be as they were but would be what I turned them into being. Those very same hurts were the catalyst of pushing me forward to grow stronger in my faith. It was faith that got me through the tough times in life. It IS faith that gets me through today...

I placed the letter back in the folder and tucked it away in the filing cabinet. I smiled and looked around my crafting room where I have tender memories of mom all over the place. 

The Angel Doll I gave her shortly after I got married at 17 years old. 

The singing bear that sings, "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack. 

The Thomas Kincaid floral arrangement that I gave her a few years ago. She felt bad, because it got knocked off her dresser and broke, but they glued it back together. 

Her ashes set close to the flower arrangement. Tucked away out of harms way up on the shelf...

In my bedroom, is the shadow box I made with all of the handcrafted things I had made and sent to her over the years. They were all sent back to me after mom's death. She had kept these close to her heart in her room at the Nursing Home. Inside of the shadow box is the Memory Album I made myself for Mothers Day 2020. There is also a Journal I sent mom years ago. She has a few things written inside of it...

I'm thankful today that mom and I were able to move past all the hurts, the pain that was inflicted by both of us at different times in our lives before she passed away. I still wonder at times though, if she ever truly knew just how much I loved her. I will never know...that makes my heart sad. 

Don't allow resentment, anger, or pride to stand in the way of making amends with people you love. We are not promised tomorrow. Don't wait until it's too late. 

 

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