The Circle of Life

2/10/2020

As I sit here pondering all the stories I've learned of my ancestors while doing genealogy the last 20 plus years, I understand more and more how the cycle of life works. People are born, then they die. It's that simple. No matter how we look at it, whether we want to accept it or not - one day, we will take our last breath. 

Many of us never know when our life will expire while others know it is a matter of time because of health matters or some other life situation that came knocking on life's door. 

I've been tossing today's blog around in my head now for a few days...you see, the Circle of Life is lingering in my family. Just like it is for many of you. 

A few weeks ago, our family made the decision to place my mother in Hospice. Over the course of the last week - her health has continued to deteriorate while my youngest daughter will be giving birth to her first child this week. I'd be lying if I said my emotions are not all over the place - it's interesting how death and life affects a human being. There are many reactions, like those of others - while some go left unsaid and unseen. I too am no different than everyone else - I will grieve the loss of my mother and I will take great joy in the birth of my third grandson. If only it was that simple...

There are many things left unsaid that my mother has locked away for most of her life. She recently turned 86 years old. Although she gave birth to me over 56 years ago, I don't know all the ins and outs of her life. Through my genealogy travels, I've asked her on numerous occasions from time to time different questions pertaining to her life, the life of her parents, grandparents, my birth father and questions more specific to me. It saddens me to think that this person who I call mother - in all reality, I really don't know who she truly is. Even though she gave me life, she has lived with and has carried with her for so many years, the memories only she knows. The good, the bad, the anguish and the pain she fell victim too so many years ago continues to remain unspoken today. My mother has carried with her, secrets that are locked away and sadly, they will be forever when she breathes in her last breath.  Many of these memories for my mom, created heartache, pain and anguish, joy and laughter - yet in the end, they still haunt her.  I know this is true because I am the memory of some of this pain and heartache she lives with. Even though the choices were hers, the ramifications that exist today are still very evident. 

Last year I realized I didn't know much about mom's life growing up as a child or even a teenager. I picked up the phone in hopes of learning answers to some of these latter questions. I asked my mom to tell me about her childhood and the family dynamic as a young girl. I wanted to know how her mom (my granny) had the house decorated. I wanted her to elaborate on the kind of work her dad did. I wanted to know if my grandfather was a loving man and a hard worker? I didn't have the opportunity of knowing my grandfather, he died in 1962. I asked mom if he provided for the family and what her parent's relationship was like. Were they loving or did they just tolerate one another? Other questions put on the table to my mom were, did you and your family attend church and did you visit your grandparents and other relatives? I asked mom questions about her siblings and her relationship with them. I wanted her to tell me about a favorite memory of her parents and what her favorite pastime was as a child. I asked her to tell me about her first job and her favorite subject in school. I've asked my mom many questions throughout my time with her. I've received many answers and on the other hand, have had more questions raised. 

I left home Spring break of my Junior year in High School - to escape from the family dynamic of how life was back then. I walked away from a full music scholarship in order to find a sanctuary of peace instead of living in and among tumultuous pain and emotional anguish that was prominent in our home. Unbeknownst to many people in mom and dad's circle - life was not a bed of roses inside of the walls of our house. Things took place that should have never happened. Safety and protection weren't the norms and family values weren't instilled where we were concerned. All these things existed in our lives and they would be forever in our memories to become words unspoken for our own children. There are many memories I have as a child, a teenager, and a young adult that I will probably never share with my own children or grandchildren - they are a constant reminder that I too fell victim to the pain and memories of our past.

As the Circle of Life continues to exist for mankind, let us remember we can forgive, forget, make amends and move forward in our life where the memories no longer haunt us. There may be physical, emotional and mental scars left behind - but they are a reminder of where we have been and where we are today. 

As my mom's physical being continues to make way for the next chapter of life, the memories of my mother will forever be sketched on my heart and in my mind of who she was to me. I'll take the good with the bad and be thankful she gave me life. I'll always wonder what those memories looked like in her heart and in her mind -those unspoken words.  

One chapter will soon come to an end, while another one soon begins...this week, my daughter will experience one of the most beautiful things in life - motherhood. She will begin making her own memories with her child and once in a while, be reminded of her memories of her and I. My hopes and prayers are, she too - doesn't fall victim to the unspoken memories of the heart. 

In closing, I'll leave you with something my mother wrote in 1962 when I was a little girl and she was far away..."The little girl knelt by her bed to say her good night prayers. Her mother heard her say these words while kneeling by her there; "Dear Lord, please send my mommy home, her eyes were misty with tears, she's been away so very long, I wonder if she cares. Does she love me like mommies should and would she buy me toys? Is she like other mommies who have little girls and boys? I wonder if she really knows how much we need her home and how we pray for her each night to not be gone so long. My daddy says, she's kind and good, and loves us very dear; but she must stay away for a few more lonely years. If this is true that she is good and loves us here at home, Dear Lord, why don't you send her back to us where she belongs?"

Mom, I will always love you...yesterday, today and forever! 

~~Heart to Heart Soul Creations

H2hsc2020