Day 24 - Hello, It's Me

Day 24, January 24, 2020

Hello, it's me! How are you? I'd like to pose a question WHO ARE YOU? Have you ever just sat down and pondered that question? Do we even know who we are? Where did it begin for you? What was your story? How did life evolve and become what it is for you today? Have you stepped into that role of how you wanted to be seen versus the mold or cookie cutter person? Do other people see you for your true worth and value, or do they see you as just another body? What's your story today and how is it different from the moment you took your first breath? 

There have been many times in the past where I've asked myself these questions. Pondering my responses and thinking about why life happened the way it did. In the end, the only thing that matters is how I take life by the reins to create my own person. My own destiny. My own identity. My own statement. My own voice. I am responsible for creating me! 

Dress made out of a parachute

My journeys in life all began out in the Texas Panhandle town of Amarillo. I was born and raised in Texas - but I have lived in Colorado and Illinois. I was cared for by my grandparents until they left this earth. I called them granny and granddad. I have many fond memories of both. The coy fishpond in their backyard, the blue chair that spun around and around and around. The room that housed all of granny's flowers and plants. Granddad drinking tea out of a shiny silvery almost metallic-like glass with a long plastic spoon to stir his mounds and mounds of sugar. Granny being a seamstress. She sewed all my dresses. Mom always said, my bloomers and socks always had to match my dresses. I have a picture of me wearing a dress made from a parachute.  Granny writing mom a card and taking a pencil to outline my small hand. Granddad standing so tall in stature I thought he could touch the sky. Granny being quite ill, but always caring. Being whisked up in the air by granddad to land on his shoulders while walking down the long hallways of the church. Reminiscing the love, they had for each other when they spoke or looked into each other's eyes. Riding in the back seat of the car during the torrential rain deluge. Going to the bathroom in a little wooden shack out in the back yard. Granddad saying, 'it's ok - it was only a copperhead'. Riding in the mustard-colored van on the way to the lake. Riding in the front seat of a car between two men and listening to them say, 'she was a fine woman'. I recall going to the VA Hospital and playing my violin for granddad - he had cancer. The memories cross my mind of the church pew at granddad's funeral. The pomp and circumstance of the Flag being folded and a 21-gun salute ringing out in the distance with the faint sound of Taps playing. My granddad was a Veteran. He served in WWII. He worked for Bell Helicopter and was the Vice Commander and Chaplain in the American Legion, Post 72. 

Would these memories define who I am today? Would my life take on all of these wonderful memories that I have locked away in my heart and soul? Probably not...in fact, it didn't! 

Growing up as a small child, I remember watching Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs from a rocking chair with an Aunt at the King Motel. I'm not sure why I was there and didn't know where mom was. Dad had his bible out across his lap setting over in the rocking chair. One day, we were walking around another house that became the family home. It was out on the East side of Pleasant Valley. The highway separated the East from the West sides. Still does to this day. 

I must have been around 5 years old when we moved into this new house because I remember going to Kindergarten at a church down and around the corner. I'd walk to elementary school as it was a straight shot from our house. Jr. High was up off the Boulevard and the bus would drop us off at the top of the hill. The High School wasn't too far from Jr. High. When I started driving at 14 years of age, I wasn't allowed to drive up past the Boulevard. But I did. I recall going to Taco Villa (ohhhhh how I loved their Guadalajara's and combination burritos with mild sauce)! I had a hardship license because mom was gone a lot, had a small baby and dad was always working.

Dad was also a semi-professional bowler. He traveled all over the place bowling. Many of those trips after he and mom got married, we tagged along. I recall him saying, 'he would have gone pro - but he threw his elbow out'. I suppose one needs their elbow to work properly to roll a ball down the lanes. I never understood it! 

When I grow up, am I going to read my bible? Will I bowl? What about drinking tea with mounds of sugar? Will I be a seamstress? These are all wonderful traits of a human - but were they my traits? Were they me? Who am I? Are they even traits at all?

Fast forward to current day living. Life as I have known it has taken many detours. Having to take on adult responsibilities at a young age. Learning the ins and outs of heartache, loss, and triumph. Being the mother of 3 children and 2 grandchildren with another one scheduled to make their debut anytime between now and Valentine's Day. Having two failed marriages and a third marriage that has been long-lasting, full of opportunities and love. This same marriage has also brought several moments of heartache, blindsides and the opportunity of looking into self and understanding the power of true love and forgiveness. Do these marriages define who I am or give me my voice?

I've worked in Corporate America and I've worked in the private sector. I've been in management and I've been your typical 'welcome to Burger King's cashier. Who am I? Have all these things made me who I am today? Have the love/hate relationships instilled values, morals, and ethics in my life? When was it I learned about all this stuff? Forgiveness, trust, honor, value...did it begin with my granny and granddad? Was it learned from mom and dad? I can't pinpoint where I began creating who I am - but one thing is for certain, I'm very passionate about people, honesty, integrity, and communication. 

A gift box I made

If you have been following my blogs, you know I enjoy crafting and doing genealogy. Those are two of my favorite things to do in the world. I enjoy playing board games with friend and family. I enjoy camping and going on road trips. I miss working. I had to step out of the working force back in 2016 because of health issues. Some days, it's everything inside of me just to hold my head up. Does that define me? Did I learn my voice from these things? Does crafting define me? I don’t think being the family genealogist defines me either. What has defined me and given me purpose is taking all that life has thrown at me since the time I took my first breath and making something beautiful out of it. I am a person who lives with convictions daily. I am a forgiving person. I am a person who finds value in the least of these. I am a person who turns stumbling blocks into steppingstones. I am a person who doesn't give up. I am a person who has become resilient through the muck of life. I am a person who digs deep into self and fights. I am a person who has lived through trauma and traumatic events. I am a person who loves. I am a person who cares. I am a person who cries. I am a survivor. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am an aunt. I am a survivor. I am a mother and I am a wife. I am a person who has a voice. I am a grandmother and I am a friend. I am me…

If you had had the opportunity of knowing me in my teenage years and into the ending of my first marriage that lasted a little over 13 years - you would know that the person I was then is not the same person I am today. I wasn't raised in a loving home. I wasn't taught family values by those who were to protect me or keep me safe.  I've had to learn them on my own - extracting this trait and that trait from this one person and that one person and depositing them into my life. Creating me. Creating my identity. Creating my self-worth.

My granddad and granny, yes that's me.

I've lived through many things in life like many of you that have defined who I am today. Things that brought sadness, joy, failure, and triumph. I've not been equipped with financial means that would make life easy or college education. Although both have been quite prominent in our families. I was brought into this world through a life situation not because of true love. I this world, I have lived behind the choices of others and of myself. I have taken the failures and learned from them. I have taken the losses with the wins. I have picked myself up, brushed myself off and just kept moving. I have asked for forgiveness and I have forgiven. I have hated. I have loved. I have lived life on life's terms. I have lived on my terms. In the end. It’s just me. I have created my voice through the journeys I have walked. I choose to break free from the stigma of failure and lost opportunities. I choose to speak my truth as only I can speak it through my life experiences. Would you like to trade places with me? Probably not...with that said, I am a person who laughs, who finds joy, who sings, who cries, who praises, who has had failures, who is humble, who is strong-willed, who loves and who is human. I am me. I didn’t know my father - only the man who gave me his name and raised me as his own. My Ancestors arrived in America on a ship. They came through Ellis Island. They were from Italy.

Today, I know who I am, and I know what I’m about…do you?

Turn those stumbling blocks into steppingstones - create your destiny!

~~Heart to Heart Soul Creations