Day 3 - YOU’RE A STRONG ONE CHARLIE BROWN – but my name isn’t Charlie Brown

 Day 3 

So many times, I hear - you have been through so much and you are so strong - how do you do it? First of all, I'm only as strong as I give myself credit for and thank you for those of you who see me as strong...because it's NOT always so easy to keep a smile on my face and my head held high. In my life, there were times I didn't know if I'd make it through the end of the day, not to mention the next hour. Oh, trust me...I have had some very dark and bleak days in my 56 years on this earth.

Several years ago, when I worked for a ministry - I wrote a book sharing my life's journey as it was up to that point...and yet again, life happened, and that book was never published. The genre I was going to focus on were churches - but as life kept moving forward and this thing happened, that thing happened in my life - I soon realized that the book I had written, yet unpublished was for all of mankind, not just people in the church. Yet, it still sets on a shelf in the envelope it was returned to me from being edited. Why you may ask...I have pondered that question many, many times over. I really can't give the utmost answer as to the 'why's - other than in that time of my life - there are things I lived through that many in my inner circles have no idea I even lived through. I guess, honestly - that is why I never published it because of that place of fear, judgment, persecution, etc. It's ok though as now I have another book to write that will be a 2nd edition incorporating the 1st unpublished part.

When I am still, I am reminded of 'how' I have survived the years of my life. It wasn't because of my parents, my friends or my other family members...it WAS and IS because of my Heavenly Father and my faith. Oh sure, there were many times, I wanted all the pain to stop and I even tried to make it stop on several occasions. Now that may come as a surprise to many, but yes - - suicide attempts and I have met on several occasions back in the day. I thought about naming my blog, "Recovery through Crafting" but I want the blog to encompass more than just crafting and recovery. I was given the diagnosis of Bipolar 1 back in the mid-'90s after a traumatic miscarriage, a full-blown hysterectomy at age 32, a broken marriage and a hospital stay that completely turned my world upside down. During this time, I became a cutter - - yes, that's right - a cutter. I didn't want to feel the pain that constantly seemed to find me and I wanted others around me (even though they didn't) feel the pain I had on the inside of my heart, my being and my innermost part of my soul. I quickly learned I was only hurting myself more by destroying the one thing that was created in God's image and that was ME! You see, I hated anything and everyone at this point...I was completely exhausted from trying to love, be kind to people who didn't reciprocate these traits. It was exhausting, to say the least, and I wanted it all to STOP!

There is so much more to this story, but I'm going to fast forward a few years to share with you how important R E C O V E R Y is. If you follow my blog, you will recall the previous blogs I've written where I've talked about recovery, stumbling blocks, coping tools, etc. You see, for one to recover - - we must truly be willing to make a change, whatever the cost. If not - - we just keep doing the same things over and over and over going nowhere fast! I didn't want to do that...I wanted to change. I needed change and I was willing to do whatever it took to have achieve this change in my life. There was NOT going to be the next time for me...and I knew it.

In the summer of 2005, there was a very traumatic event that occurred in my life that only my closest family members are aware of and maybe a few friends. That was the catalyst of what threw me into learning about mental health completely and what launched my career in the Mental Health field. That hot summer day in 2005 had a lifetime of hurts, pain, remorse, trauma, PTSD, completely feeling degraded every which way known to mankind and then some. I was treated like an animal and my self-worth was degraded like I had never seen before. It IS what triggered change for me in a way that today, I walk - talk - live and breathe recovery 24/7. PERIOD!!!!! There are no ifs and buts for me. There are no excuses, or justifications of how or what I will or will not put up within my personal space today. After these events, it was quite a while before I could go out in public - face family members - or even face my fears, my strengths, my likes, my dislikes - - my life as I knew it changed that day and I wasn't sure I was going to ever come back from it. Honestly, up to that point - - I didn't even know if any more pain and suffering could be handled by my heart and mind. I quickly learned just exactly how strong I was...and it was on!!!! I was a force to be reckoned with at that point. I wanted to learn everything I could where dignity, respect, mental health, and recovery were concerned. I wanted to be able to instill HOPE and strength to others when the time came if the time came and they ever needed it. Because I did NOT want anyone else having to go through what I experienced that hot, sunny, summer day in 2005.

Many times, I heard - - lean on your family - -oh yea, that was a joke at times because many times - they were the very ones creating all the chaos, discord, pain and heartache in my world. You know, putting the knife in the back and twisting it...yes, but no thank you!!! If I had to be truthful, it was my immediate family - husband and children who were my support system from that day forward. I had to walk away from family during this time - just so I could heal...that was one of the darkest times of my life and at the same time, one of the most important times of my life. I had a choice - and I made it...I could either crawl up into a hole, stick my head in the sand, lay in the bed and never make myself get better or I could face whatever these demons were head-on and that's exactly what I did. I vowed that day, that mental health anything would NOT ever dictate my life again and it hasn't!!! It hasn't been easy though. I had to do the due diligence and do my part. I had to start seeing a doctor, take medications (which I despise), attend support groups on a weekly basis and have checks ups from time to time. I had to learn how to once again forgive the very people who were on this earth to love me, protect me - - keep me safe and it was HARD! It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do...sure, I learned how to forgive many, many years before - - but this was the ultimate! It was literally life-changing...

A few years later, I started working in the Mental Health field as a support group facilitator, trainer, and Peer Support Specialist. During this time, I had many interactions with people who didn't have the 'lived' experiences but had the book knowledge - and we would have some heart to heart conversations because they couldn't comprehend that I no longer was seeing the doctors, or taking the medications that were supposed to keep me stable. You see, I started working the treatment plan for my life and that was called, 'R E C O V E R Y'. Taking back those things that had been lost during the very dark and bleak times. I was working my recovery by recognizing my triggers and recognizing the early warning signs. I learned how to develop coping tools and putting a plan in place - it was during this time, I learned about Mary Ellen Copeland's WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) and I embraced it fully. That tool is the one thing that kept me sane and out of the hospitals...but I had to work it. I couldn't just snap my fingers and things be ok...I developed coping tools that were unique to me and what I enjoyed doing. i.e. crafting, music, walking, sitting by the lake, watching the birds on the back porch, more music, more crafting and a few others! 

Shortly after this stint - I began working for the State of Texas at one of the 9 State Hospitals for Mental Health. I became an advocate across the State of Texas for Mental Health as a Peer Support Specialist. You see - I had the lived experiences...I knew firsthand what it was to be on both sides of this. I embraced my recovery with everything I had, and I began teaching and sharing with others how they too, could live a life full of quality - achieve their goals and be happy. The kicker was, they had to be willing to make the changes necessary that would give them this, many times though - it wasn't easy. I'm here to say though - - I AM THE EVIDENCE that recovery IS very possible and doable. I worked in the Mental Health field until spring of 2016 - at which time, my health deteriorated at a rapid pace that forced me into being 100% disabled. I miss this line of work - but God has opened many doors where I still can instill hope, encouragement and share all that I learned with others who may just need a pick me up or 'how do you do it' conversation. I'm very grateful for my life's journey...the good, the bad and the ugly! Guess what - - it's what has made me strong today!!! It's those stumbling blocks that I have turned into steppingstones.

Crafting is one of my biggest coping tools today...I find peace, comfort, direction, and satisfaction when I'm creating something from nothing. Why you may ask...because - I am still. I can listen to the still, small voice that gives me peace of mind. That gives me faith and gives me direction. You see, I can process things more clearly when I'm still...

Recovery through Crafting...

~~Heart to Heart Soul Creations
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