Pondering on Life

Since I have had nothing but time on my hands the last couple of
weeks being in the hospital - I've had a lot of time to sit and ponder life.

An Altered Box I made

Thinking about crafting projects, thinking about genealogy, and other things pertaining to 'all things called LIFE'. Whether it's family relationships, the lack thereof - or a friend who I haven't reached out to in a while. It might look like finances, or what is going to be on the menu for breakfast/lunch and/or dinner. Let's face it, THERE is always stuff to think about.
Daily...

Typically, you won't find me setting in front of a television. I'm not one to turn it on just to have the noise or to pass time away. I find it very wasteful of time...I'm more of turn the music on and get in the zone by way of meditation, crafting, and genealogy research. Since the Thyroid Cancer - way of life for me has changed drastically. I am not able to do all of the things I once did - i.e. work outside of the home, chase after adventures, take random-uncalculated road trips, go camping, take nature hikes, walk through a zoo, etc. - - life for me has somewhat come to a steady halt.

Reflecting back on the course of the last month and a half -

when decisions had to be made with regards to mom's quality of life and her future - - the upcoming birth of my third grandchild, the relocation of my youngest daughter's family so that they would live closer to us while her husband is working out of state - for those 'just in case' moments...life has definitely been in the fast lane.

I traveled to Amarillo about 3 1/2 weeks ago to see my mom. We knew her time on earth was going to be expiring soon and I needed to hug momma's neck one more time...driving to Amarillo - has been a daunting drive for me since 2013 and the Thyroid Cancer/surgery. I have made the trip on numerous occasions - but the time in between has become further and further apart. I pulled in mid-afternoon and spent a few hours with mom before going out to my sister's home for the evening. On Saturday, I spent a good portion of the day with mom - before making the return trip home. That was such a long drive home...knowing that the next time, I did venture to the Texas Panhandle - mom wouldn't be there. Talk about a moment of emptiness. I rounded a curve on the highway and it was like I had hit a brick wall - the emotions began to fill my eyes, my heart began to race and all I could think about is pulling off on the side of the road and letting out the emotions. I didn't of course - for many different reasons. I knew if I had stopped - my 5-hour drive would more than likely turn into 8, 9, and 10 because of the emotions. I kept driving...I cranked the music louder to drown out my thoughts. I didn't want to feel this emotion. I didn't want to have these thoughts...I just didn't!

Waiting for me back home was a beautiful handsome boy by the name of Caiden. He had finally made his appearance the Wednesday before my Amarillo travels. He is my third grandson. I couldn't wait to arrive back in the Dallas/Ft Worth Metroplex. I wanted to scoop him up in my arms and hold him tightly...I wanted to grin from ear to ear. My baby girl had finally been given the desires of her heart by way of a baby...she has wanted to be a mother from the time she was a little girl. This is a true miracle. As she was told many times, she would never be able to conceive a child - nevertheless, bear one. BUT God...Caiden is her rainbow baby. She and her husband went through two miscarriages in 2018. Both were very traumatic...both consisted of change. Both consisted of growth. Caiden is truly a miracle given to us by God, the Father.

Before I went to Amarillo - I noticed that I had acquired a dry

cough. I wasn't concerned because the weather had been changing. I have Environmental Asthma...the cough continued.

The climate is different in Amarillo from the DFW area. It's

dry, brown, and very desolate during the winter months. It's so depressing making the drive and seeing nothing but brown. I like seeing the greenness of the trees, the richness in the colors of the earth by way of flowers, plants, etc. I like seeing growth.

When I returned home, the coughing was more predominant than it was before I left...I began using my rescue inhaler several times a day. It didn't seem to be working. Upon my return, my daughter had asked if I could stay at their house to help with packing, caring for the baby after her surgery, and just to be there for support while her husband was away at work. I obliged. The cough continued...

After about the 4th or 5th day, I realized the inhaler wasn't

cutting it and I might just need a steroid injection. After all, I've been hospitalized in the past with Asthma exacerbations and I knew what they looked like. I didn't want to have one of these rights now...no way, shape, or form!

The day came and it was moving day...my daughter and I packed up

the car with things she needed for Caiden and we made our way towards the new area. hack, hack, hack - cough, cough, cough - I was becoming more riddled with breathing issues than I had in a long time. It began to affect my voice. I was losing my voice in fact...this was something new. But I kept pushing myself...I'd say things like - one more trip.

During the last week at my daughter's house - Caiden began showing signs of congestion. He was only two weeks old currently. To the doctor, we went...they asked if anyone had been sick around him. The reply was, 'my mom has asthma and she has a cough' but other than that - no. They didn't seem to be concerned at all with the asthma effects.

Fast forward to Friday, February 28th, 2020 - - Caiden seems to

be having complications with breathing. It was evident that his little body was in distress. My daughter called the Pediatrician told them his signs and they asked for her to bring him in for a check-up. If not, we were going to be making a trip to the emergency room. My heart sank...I hope, I wasn't the cause of this little guy's issues -but how could I. Afterall, asthma isn't contagious!!!

We arrived at the doctor - they looked him over. Explained that

since he wasn't birthed through the birth canal - his body was more congested than normal. They gave my daughter some techniques and explained what to continue to watch for. We left. Earlier in the day, my son in law had finished moving things from their house to the new house and since we were out in that area - we all decided to meet at the old residence for one last time. We were there only for a few moments.

My daughter, son in law and Caiden were in her car and I was

driving my son in law's car back to our house. Thinking about the day, driving along 635 off in my own world in my mind...the phone rang. It was the call I didn't want to receive. My nephew was on the other end of the line and said, "Nan- - Mimi is gone'. Mimi is what my sister's called mom, while my kids called her Gammy. (Mine are the oldest of the grandchildren). Filled with emotion - - the tears began to flow again...this time, I'm just trying to get to my destination. The grocery store. We were going to cook a nice supper on the grill for the kids - relax and return to the old house on Saturday to give the final cleaning and walk through...I drove, and I drove. Honestly, I can't even recall the drive home. How I made it safely is beyond me because once that call hit - I was numb. Completely numb...I called my husband and told him. He asked if we were still meeting at the grocery store and I said, 'yes'. WHAT was I thinking...?? My mother just passed away and I'm going to the grocery store? cough, cough, cough...hack, hack, hack.

I made it safely to the store, found a parking spot, and walked

in. I met up with my husband who embraced me ever so tightly. We went down a few aisles picking up the things we were going to purchase. A few minutes later a young man approached us. He was wearing a shirt that said, "J O Y". He mentioned he had overheard us talking on another aisle and wanted to ask why I was riding the scooter. I explained I had asthma and had been experiencing some difficulties during the last few days. My husband says, 'she just got the news her mother passed away'. The look on this man's face - was interesting. I'm sure he was thinking to himself as I had also been - - WHY are they at the grocery store if her mother just passed away??? I couldn't answer that. Before he stepped away, he asked if he could pray with us and he did.

The climate is different in Amarillo from the DFW area. It's

dry, brown, and very desolate during the winter months. It's so depressing making the drive and seeing nothing but brown. I like seeing the greenness of the trees, the richness in the colors of the earth by way of flowers, plants, etc. I like seeing growth.

I pushed myself the entire weekend helping my son in law finish

up the move by way of cleaning the house. We finished midafternoon on Saturday. That night, I started doing breathing treatments every two hours. All night long... Sunday morning came and I found myself in the emergency room. I needed steroids and I needed them fast!

That visit to the emergency room left me in the hospital for

almost ten days...I'm home now. Still very weak - the coughing has for the most part stopped, but my immune system is very compromised right now. I'm in house isolation currently. I was in isolation the latter part of my stay due to being diagnosed positive for RSV. The million-dollar question remains now - where did I acquire RSV? My thought is I possibly contracted it from the nursing home when I went to visit mom. After all, not only does it affect small babies, toddlers, and infants - it can affect the elderly and people who have low immune systems - like myself!

When Home Health came to the house the other day, they informed

me that because of my compromised immune system - I am at high risk for the flu and coronavirus. I've been told that before with regards to the flu and I take extra measures each year to ensure my safety and the safety of my family. For me, it could prove deadly.

I've been given strict guidelines NOT to be anywhere near my

daughter's family and the baby for now and limit my time in public. If I don't need to go anywhere, DON'T! I have a couple of specialist appointments coming up as a result of my recent hospitalization - but for now, I'm setting on the couch just chilling out.

I've been researching this and researching that online. I've

decided I'm going to make a Junk Journal showcasing "My Asthmatic Body". I love all things paper crafting, mixed media, and altered art. I enjoy genealogy and working on my family tree. I look at my DNA matches daily to see if any new ones have been generated. I'm all about making new connections and learning more about our family history. I hope to eventually one day find and see photos of many of my great grandparents. I know they exist somewhere out in our vast world...the question remains, where?

Tonight, while sleepless in Texas - I've researched the basics

of starting a garden. How to turn a tree stump into a landscape beauty. How to start an Herb garden. When to plant this flower and that flower or this plant and that plant. I've researched smoothie recipes that provide benefits for asthmatics such as myself. I've researched meal planning for asthmatics. I've researched environmental facts pertaining to asthma and I've researched how to battle a wasp outbreak.

Pondering life has many different facets...some are very surreal

while others are mere reminders that we do live, breathe and have our being. Mom has earned her Angel wings and we were blessed with a beautiful little boy called our grandson.

Making beautiful memories is what life's all about...the good,

the bad - the differences.

Heart to Heart Soul Creations

H2hsc2020

Facebook: H2hsc2020
Twitter: H2hsc2020
Instagram: Heart to Heart Soul Creations
Pinterest: Heart to Heart Soul Creations (H2hsc2020)

 #life, #inspiration, #asthma, #hope, #love, #angelwings, #death,

#memories, #grandchildren, #gardens, #flowers, #mealplanning, #smoothies, #relocation, #death, #crafting, #journaling, #papercrafting, #genealogy, #myheritage, #vintagephotos, #lungdisease, #wellness, #Amarillo, #Texas, #babies, #RSV, #environmentalasthma, #lifejourney, #life, #storytelling, #awareness, #babies, #roadtrips, #travel, #doctors, #homehealth, #importance, #urgency, #bodysoulandspirit, #mentalawareness, #miracle, #rainbowbaby