The Ultimate Blog Challenge
Beautiful YOU
I thought if they (family and others don't see me as beautiful) then I would make myself fit that mold of unbeautiful. Cutting for me started during my second marriage (it was very short-lived I might add - less than two years). The emotional turmoil that I endured during this marriage was a force to be reckoned with. I was made to feel like I needed to 'fit' in the molds of this person or that person. The other party wanted me to dress like this person and that one as well as carry myself in certain ways. They wanted me to possess 'fake' beauty.
In my teen years, I thought I was a beautiful young lady, but those feelings quickly changed as life happened and this event occurred and that event occurred. I no longer possessed outward or inner beauty. I saw myself as ugly in every sense of the word.
Fast forward from the time I began cutting in 1994 to the current day of 2020. I no longer cut, but the scars on my body tell a story of the pain I once carried. At times, I've considered covering them up - but why should I? They show where I've been and where I am today. They show the journey of life and how I've overcome the stumbling blocks which I've turned into stepping stones. I'm not proud that I resorted to such horrific measures, but I am proud that I have the life experience and the ability to share my personal lived experiences of HOPE with others who may be struggling with their internal beauty and self-awareness.
The word beautiful encompasses many things for many people. Have you ever stopped and really considered what the true meaning of the word is? Let me help you...
Webster's Dictionary describes BEAUTIFUL like this:
adjective
- *pleasing the senses or mind aesthetically.
*of a very high standard; excellent
When I think of the word beautiful, the first thing that comes to mind is flowers. They are pretty, they are pleasing and they are beautiful (in most cases).
When I think of people and their beauty, my mind immediately goes to Hollywood where 'plastic surgery' has altered one's look to achieve beauty. Average people want to look like so many of them and they will take whatever measures to obtain that look. I have my personal feelings around this and I won't get into that debate today.
People also possess inner beauty. That is the one thing I look at most in a person. Often times, I can tell how a person 'truly' is by examining their heart. No, I'm not a heart surgeon or anything like that. What I mean is, I listen to their words, I watch how they carry themselves. I listen to their stories. We can learn a great deal by looking at a person's inner beauty.
My youngest daughter is a professional wedding photographer. I'm amazed at the beautiful imagery she captures when her camera is in her hands. Not only does she capture the Bride in her beautiful, amazing, and many times stunning dresses - she is able to capture the very essence of beauty in everything that surrounds those particular days. She even captures the little nuances that many times are overlooked. She sees these as beautiful memories for her Brides and Grooms.
Beauty today is achieved by many different avenues. Some people have natural beauty while others have to work at it. A tuck here and a tuck there. A lift here and a lift there. Get the idea? Inner beauty is the same. If life has dealt a person a bad hand, their inner beauty may be representative of this as it was in my case for many years. I didn't see myself as beautiful on any level. I sabotaged the inner beauty I had out of the pain I had been dealt with from circumstances and from others.
Many times, I found myself standing in front of a mirror and asking, "Mirror, Mirror on the wall - whos the fairest of them all"? Have you ever felt like that? Honestly? After my last mental health breakdown in 2005, I created a scrapbook called, My Mental Health. I remember making a page with the mirror context as mentioned above. I had a photo of myself looking into a mirror and the mirror was shattered. This represented so many things for me. Today, when I look back on those pages, I can feel the pain jump off of them. I can sense the dark places I was in and I'm very thankful I have been set free from my own self-doubt and self-sabotage in life. How did I do it? It wasn't easy. I had to work at flipping the switch and quit settling with the concept that I was dealt a bad hand so I needed to make the best of it. I wanted to change. I NEEDED change. I didn't want to settle anymore. I wanted more for myself and for my life. I wanted to feel beautiful inside. I didn't care about my outward appearance. Remember, beauty is only skin deep...and it could be altered in so many ways on any given day.
Being beautiful inwardly is more important to me than being beautiful on the outside. I feel that way because there will always be someone more beautiful than me. I'm not competing with anyone or anything. Inward beauty is truth. It is honest. It is real. A person can't fake inward beauty.
I'm my own BEAUTIFUL ME! Have you found your Beautiful YOU yet? If not, what keeps you from doing so? Are you holding yourself to other standards or expectations? If you are, then stop it as you'll never achieve who you are truly meant to become. If others are making you feel that way, take a step back and reevaluate their place in your life. You might need to remove the toxicity of that relationship in order to find the 'true Beautiful YOU".
Heart to Heart Soul Creations
H2hsc2020
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Beautiful picture and a wonderful post a l8t of people should read as they will learn from it. Thank you, for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful Nancy! I'm sorry you had others tell you differently and resorted to cutting. I didn't realize it until after the fact but my now 16 year old granddaughter was a cutter a few years back due to her father always "cutting" her up.
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