Wednesday, May 13, 2020

Day 12 - Love and Self Acceptance

                                          May 12, 2020


I am participating in the Self-Love Challenge hosted by Pam Allen/Pinkmama's Place. The daily prompt for Day 12 was, "How would you feel if you truly loved and accepted self"

I must admit, this challenge really gets into the nitty-gritty of a person's self-image. I know it is to make a person think about themselves and where they are inside. At times, it is extremely uncomfortable though I must say...I have been squeezed. I have had to deal with more 'stuff'. I have had to feel emotions I do not want to feel because I have come to the acceptance of them. Or have I really? Never the less, I continue working through the challenge. It would be easy enough to walk away from though...

I remember when I worked for a Ministry several years ago, we were having a Department meeting. The things that were discussed made many individuals extremely upset. Our manager asked the group, what is it about 'this' that is making you all upset? Is it the fact that it is going to be this, this, and this, or is it something inside of YOU that is triggering an emotion you do not like?

This Self-Love Challenge is doing this for me...it is triggering thoughts, emotions, and feelings that I thought had been processed over the years. Maybe it is not that they have not been dealt with or anything like that, but just the fact it is bringing them back to the surface again. I am having a different reaction to most of them today. 

The question asked, how would I feel if I truly loved and accepted myself? I would be completely at peace. I would not second guess myself in any way. 

There have been times in my life that I was at this place with myself. The last several years though have created many holes inside of my heart which in turn has changed the way I feel today. I know I need to get back to the place I once was, I would be much happier there. 

I went through a very hurtful situation last year that opened many wounds from my childhood through my thirties. It has been extremely difficult to FIND my happy place again. That ordeal stole my joy, broke my heart, and blindsided me. I felt very betrayed all over again. I felt abandoned. I felt as though I was discarded like a piece of trash. 

The joy for crafting left me. The joy of walking with my ancestors left me. The joy to live left me. The joy to smile left me. The joy of just being left me. Now, for the most part, all I feel is that I am going through the motions because that is what I am supposed to do. 

How would I feel if I could truly love and accept myself? I would feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I would feel like I could breathe again. I would feel like I have value and self-worth. I would feel like I matter. I would feel like I make a difference...and again, the tears flow. 

I do not like these feelings I have inside right now...it all seems too familiar to me and I do not like it. I am at the place that I do not care and that is NOT a good place for me to be in. 

I once was a happy person full of life, love, and joy. I feel lost right now...

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6 comments:

  1. Praying that you find that happiness once again! Hugs Nancy!

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    Replies
    1. thank you Martha! I will...this I know to be true.

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  2. Praying for you and your not the only one who feels like this.

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  3. Oh no, sorry to hear that. I guess the only comfort perhaps is to realise you are not alone in feeling that way, it’s something I’ve been struggling through the last few years especially. I have found that although maybe only superficial, that self care is a good place to start, in order to find ways to feel good. So I started going to spas last year as a treat and retreat, and am now starting to get back into skincare and makeup eventually which I had neglected these few years. Baby steps though.

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  4. Alice, it's interesting that so many feel the same way - yet don't talk about those feelings. I once was a stuffer - that was my protection back in the day - -until I blew one day.

    I can't stuff my feelings anymore nor do I want to...blogging in the Self Love Challenge has really been squeezing me though. especially in areas that I had worked through before...this last year was tough though as I mentioned in my blog and I'm still processing my feelings around all of it. like you said, baby steps!

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