Thankfulness

May 11, 2020

I recently participated in the A - Z Challenge where I met a wonderful lady named, Dyanne (Backsies Is What There Is Not). She invited me to participate in the "Ten Things of Thankful" Challenge. 

After reading her post this morning, I see that there are only 2 days left for this link, so I need to get busy writing. 

This last week has been a very difficult one for me emotionally. Honestly speaking, the last several months have been extremely difficult being very sick and all. Hopefully, I'm on the mend but I'm still dealing with a few residual issues. We shall see...

As I sit here and thinking about Ten Things of Thankful (TToT) and what all that encompasses, my eyes swell up with tears. Seems these days I am crying more than I am smiling. There are many reasons for the whys and some of those reasons I'm still processing internally. 

Being thankful for people is difficult for me because the very ones who were to keep me safe,  protect me, and love me have been the very ones who have created so much heartache and pain for me through the years. God has softened my heart for many of these people, yet the pain is still so real. I'm thankful I have learned the power of forgiveness and what it means. Number 1. 

Number 2 - I am thankful for my Mother. 

She left this earth on 2/28/2020 and the next day, I landed in the hospital extremely sick from an Asthma Exacerbation that quickly turned into RSV and then COVID 19. 

The distraction of being so sick has not allowed me to grieve my mom's passing. I found myself wanting to pick up the telephone and call her to say, "I'm okay" as she would always ask if I was. 

My mom and I didn't have that mother/daughter relationship that many have. Ours was filled with many ups and downs for many different reasons.  There was a time I hated my mother with my entire being. I won't get into all that, but I'm very thankful that God softened my heart and allowed me to forgive her for all of the stuff that was created inside of me. 

Over the last several years, we had been very close. I never really did trust my mom though and for that I am sorry. The last year I needed my mom more than ever and I couldn't bring myself to share the reasons with her. I didn't want her worrying about me as she was in a Nursing Home and not well herself. I remember when I'd call her (she lived in Amarillo), we'd be talking and if I began to choke up, I'd say - "well mom, I need to go now, I love you" and I'd hang up. I didn't want my mom to hear my emotions. I was always considered the strong one in the family. Walking in my faith, being involved in church. I was the one who had it all together. Living the American Dream. Being the one who could forgive others and never miss a beat. I didn't want to let mom down. I didn't want to let myself down. She couldn't hear my heartache. I wouldn't allow it...

I miss my mom more than ever right now. For Mother's Day, I made a memory album in her Honor. I will fill it with beautiful memories of my mom. I made it in her favorite colors, Lavender and Purples with a touch of pinks. 

Number 3 - I am thankful for my daughter, Hannah. She has been my rock for many years. Like my mom, Hannah and I have had our fair share of ups and downs. We both are extremely strong-willed individuals. 

For many years, it was Hannah and me as I was a single mom. We built our lives around one another, we were inseparable. My daughter is a beautiful soul. Even though she is very matter of fact, quite vocal about the things in her life, she is a very caring person inside. 

Hannah began sharing her life with her husband in December 2016. This year, after two miscarriages - she gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby. 

I am very thankful for my daughter. I am also very thankful that God gave her the desires of her heart in having a baby. She has wanted to be a mommy ever since she was a little girl...

She is my baby girl and my Hero! 

Number 4 - I am thankful for friends. My friends have been a constant in my life. I truly believe God places people in our lives in the exact time they need to be there for whatever reason. 

I have friends in my life from Kindergarten all the way up to new friends that I've recently met, like Dyanne. I am a very blessed person with friends in my life. 

Many of my friends I have laughed with. I've cried with. We've gone on trips together and we have broken bread together. Many friends I've chatted with on the telephone and others, I've chatted with through Social Media. (Thank goodness for the www). 

I've had friends that I've had to walk away from and friends I've drawn even closer to me. Friends remind me what's important in life. 

I have many close friends. We live miles apart. Yet, on any given day - we can pick up the phone and not skip a beat...that's what friends do. 

At times, I wonder why my friends are more real in my life than my own family. It baffles me, to say the least...

Number 5 - I am thankful for my faith. I began a personal relationship with Jesus Christ when I was in the 4th grade. Life at home was in an uproar. Mom and dad had started attending church and they 'found' God. I sold out...I was in church every time I could be. It was my escape. I felt safe in church. 

Through the years, I have learned of God's forgiving power. His amazing love and the sacrifices that were made on my behalf as well as everyone else around me as well. 

There have been times in life where I became very angry with God because of this or that, but I always found my way back into His fold. Today, I'm VERY thankful that I have not walked away from who I am because of His grace and forgiveness. I wouldn't be here today had His hands not been on my life. I am constantly reminded of his loving-kindness. His love and grace and His forgiveness. 

Number 6 - I am thankful for Koda. He is our fur baby. He gets on my nerves at times, but he is very loving. I suppose it's true what they say about dogs and humans. They are man's best friend. Koda always knows when I'm having a down day. Normally I am upbeat, but lately - being so sick and all, I've had more down days than good. He will sit by me under my desk. Bring me one of his favorite toys wanting me to play with him. When I sit on the couch, he jumps up in my lap and wants to comfort me. Sometimes, I think it's more for his benefit than mine. He is my husband's shadow through and through. 

Number 7 - Caiden, my youngest grandson. He is truly a miracle in every sense of the word. After being told over and over and over my youngest daughter would never conceive a child and two miscarriages later, she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He brings so much love and enjoyment to this Nonnie's heart. I think G'Pa is quite fond of him too. He always asks daily if I've seen the little guy or talked to him. They are going to be inseparable if mom and dad allow it. LOL 

Number 8 - My other two grandsons, Noah and Isaiah. Even though I don't get to see them because of life's choices on family member's part, I still am very thankful for them regardless. I miss them terribly.

Noah is my oldest grandson. He will be 16 this year. When he was 10 years old, he would tell me he was going to travel to Mars. He is extremely smart. He is studying at the Collegiate level now. He plays sports and I'm very proud of him. He is also very involved in church and ministry. 

Isaiah is going to be seven years old this year. I haven't seen him since he was 1 and a half. I probably will never see him again. My son lost custody of this little guy. My heart broke into a million and one pieces because of stupid choices made. The same goes for Noah too. 

I will always be their grandmother and my love for them will forever run deep in my heart. I'm thankful they were in my life for the time they were...I miss them though. 

Number 9 - the ability to step into my future with my head held high. Life has dealt me many obstacles and challenges since before I was born. (some of that stuff was regarding my mom). I have had to fight at times to keep my head in the game called life. It hasn't been an easy road to travel. I have faltered at times wanting to take myself out of the equation, but realizing I am valuable and needed - I did what I had to do to keep on living. I fought like mad to move forward. If anyone has a reason to give up, I can think of a million and one reasons...but it's not about all of that. 

I am evidence that people can change and live a life full of quality. Sure, things may not look like it once did - but it's my life. If I'm happy with it, that's all that matters. I've not ever been too proud to ask for forgiveness or say I'm sorry. I just wished that was true for other people...but it's not and they are the ones who will be held accountable, not me. 

Number 10 - being able to craft and research family history. Both are two of my favorite pastimes. They have helped me stay focused when life has been a jumbled mess either due to health issues or life situations. 

I use crafting as a Wellness Tool. I find comfort in being able to lose myself in what I'm creating. It keeps my mind off other matters that may make me feel sad or even brings up a few not so pleasant thoughts. LOL - I'm human...

I am considered the family genealogist. I love walking with my ancestors. Especially if I stumble upon an old family photo. Oh my...love them and they are all over my family tree. 

These are the ten things I'm thankful for today...thank you, Dyanne, for extending the invitation to join in on your blog hop. I must say, this was a bit painful...lol in between the tears this morning and just processing my thoughts. 

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